looks like i’m back at square one, but this time im not writing the software from scratch.

raven ver 1 was a nice tool to add notes to and such, but at the end of the day, does it matter? no, not really. its nothing more then a creative outlet to allow me to think things out and share my thoughts with others. fingers crossed the array doesn’t detonate its own drive platters again…or i dont drop a SAS disk on the fucking concrete…still need to get that disk fixed.

anyways, whats the plan? where do i go from here? what is this about? so many questions one may ask.

the idea within this site is each outlet/story/post/whatever has its own code name. the beginning – holo sun. maybe its related to the post, maybe its not. i wont say who i am – im sure through posts you’ll be able to find out who it is, or maybe you can figure it out because i sent this to you – not worried about it either way. but i’ll tell my story, what i think, and i guess give some life lessons. this post will certainly not lack any of that. i’ll be going all out here shortly as an intro.

only question left now is, where do i begin? the start or the end? backwards or forwards?

i guess we start forward, i always start from the back.

in my current situation – i’m on my own. really since i turned 18 i was self sufficient. as ass as the economy was when i moved out from my grandparents, i insisted on being and staying on my own. between the issues i previously had with my father, my assholes that are related to me, and some other stuff, it’s only best. nothing can be held above me (i.e. you do this because i give this to you) and i wont be ordered around when i have more important things to be taking care of.

that comes with its own fair share of issues – albeit its still better then my previous situations. when i was with my previous partner, Kaizen, he had made things better sometimes. mostly to keep me company, but he still was childish. he expected me to always be able to pay for everything, made a mess a lot of times resulting in me cleaning it up, or even out of the house he wanted me to do things with him that would still cost some resource. whether it was fuel, money, or whatever.

in the beginning of having my apartment, i had no clue what i was doing and always needed to play it safe. having to spend 945$ a month when you only make 15.50 an hour (as well as your hours varying) can make things tight. not impossible, but certainly a struggle. there were actually quite a few times i very well could of been evicted. at one point after paying rent, I had 0$ in all my accounts. savings and checking. that was before establishing my Roth IRA (which if you have not done, do it. now! you’ll thank me later.). all i had left was whatever was in the cabinet or fridge for food. but yet, i was still expected at some points to take care of things with Kaizen. i had no money and maybe half a tank left of gas.

as much as it sounds like me ranting (hint: it is), i certainly wasnt wrong. and i should of let him go on our first fight. the fact he insisted on fighting me on getting food when my aunt (who i had a good relationship with at the time) was already making dinner to him constantly telling me i need to do this or that around him and not really caring about me, it was all red flags. i just insisted on making do and doing what he wanted because i thought he was the love of my life. if you want something to work, you make it work and sometimes that requires that you sacrifice some things. i dont think he did that at all. i did what i could and that was not enough for him.

maybe i am in the wrong, all those times i failed him. i still do it to this day and tell myself im not good enough – im no better then my mother who insisted she was an angel after making so many wrong situations. i certainly wouldn’t call them mistakes. it doesnt mean that he couldn’t of made some changes himself although. he could of focused on trying to find out how to better manage my fucking mess. we spent a total of some 2 years together in what i would probably classify as a half long distance relationship. it certainly worked a good amount of the time, the issue came when we were in person although. he was so easy to just…get to know? and not in a good way. he was a perfect kid, had just about straight A’s, went to a private school for a year, and never had to worry about any struggles in life.

i certainly was no “hood rat” or poor kid at school, but i had my fair share of problems. going back to the start the first divorce in which i dont remember but always questioned why my parents didnt like each other. was it me? was it a family thing? i always got different stories from my mother, but i never recall any stories from my father…at least not until a lot further down the road. then there was the first few moves i had to do. nothing big, i stayed in the same school, but as a 5/6 year old it certainly changes things at home. then there was the blended family with that whore, the sexual assault from the oldest son of hers, the two cunts of daughters she had, and then finally the divorce 2: electric boogaloo. it was only then that my questions were answered about why people think divorce is so bad…and probably why i hate majority of my time at high school.

theres a lot to unpack from that summary alone and thats what i hope to cover someday in this “archive”. but for the time being – back to the topic at hand. Kaizen never understood the struggles of life. what its like to constantly ask yourself if you’re doing good enough, that you think everyone hates you, that you cant be around big social situations because you get overly nervous, that you have trust issues because majority of the people you get close to backstab you, just so much of it. he always thought that there was no reason not to be happy and while i try to strive to tell myself that – i cant ignore everything that i have still ongoing. i cant continue to ignore the issues at hand i have with myself and with others. i have to be better and the only way i seem to get around to doing that is by weaponizing my emotions against myself.

this comes with its own fair share (once again!) of problems that tend to resolve themselves. constantly telling yourself and visualizing being screamed at by all those that are close to you. telling yourself you’ll never be good enough to then say to prove everyone wrong. the thoughts of just disappearing forever, getting away from everyone, stop fucking up their lives, all of it. pitting yourself against yourself so you can be better. it comes with its REALLY bad days and the really good days.

those bad days can consist of just waking up and immediately being like “fuck this shit”. telling yourself you cant do anything and the progress you’ve made is nothing – people have it worse then you and still do better then you. what’s your excuse? then the good days come and you come to peace for a small period of “i have some things bad for now but thats okay, everyone else can and probably will fail so theres no point in worrying about a damn thing”. and then you get so much done in that day that you wonder what the hell happened for you to just now be doing all that in one day.

thats how its been with me for quite a few years now. im not sure where it all began, but its just a constant loop of doing that. its why i cant get anything done with DWXE but because of my fear of failing and being on the streets, having nightmares of being nothing more then a meth head living in a rotting building just for the next high, i can always get my job done…even if sometimes im about to throw a phone or server rail though the wall.

now the ending message I got with Kaizen is that he was no longer in love with me. i still had to make it work, right? i couldnt let go now, everything was telling me to try to be better for him. do better, think better, get out of bed and get shit done. but it wasnt good enough. “…too little, too late y’kno?”. yet, i was always the one putting in the work. always seeing where we could go out on dates on. saving up money where i could. granted, i am still very much horny and i hate it to the core – so that didnt go as well as i had hoped. dont get me wrong, we had plenty of fun, unfortunately including outside of our relationship (aka post-breakup sex with each other), but i think that is one of my biggest faults.

maybe that was the last straw and why it all failed, maybe it was something else. either way i do know that Kaizen is very much not what he seems to be. he is selfish – always focused on himself. he has no regard for what he does to others but yet is very much a people pleaser. he stands for nothing and is always on the next focus of what he is told to do. for the longest time, i thought i was telling myself a lie, but then i realized as I went through our memories, it was a truth that i had buried so deep that i was lying to myself about it all. unfortunately with his current behavior, i only see him being one of those creeps you see at the pride festivals. the ones that insist on wearing all the bdsm gear and garbage to “smash the patriarchy”. as much as it may have been hot to see him wearing skirts and stuff like that in bed – it made me uncomfortable as hell to be around him in public. it never felt right and even trying it out with him i wanted to stop and just…eugh.

unfortunately he was very much that type of person – the one that insists on wearing all sorts of clothing all for “smashing gender norms”. its weird, its creepy, and it certainly makes some people uncomfortable. maybe it was just a me thing sure, but it certainly becomes a real big red flag when he insists on doing the same with pole dancing. “oh its not erotic, thats what everyone just thinks”. then goes on about how he wants to show off at a gay bar.
so. many. fucking. red. flags.

fortunately i believe its been at least 5ish months since ive said a word to him. at this point in time, i can tell you with confidence that he still does reside in my mind. all those memories we made or the stuff i wanted to do with him like the fair was just a joke to him. he makes my blood boil and first thought in my mind if i see him will most likely be to deck him in the face. theres just…so fucking much. and part of this i do fear will repeat itself.

after a little bit of dealing with the thoughts of Kaizen, I thought about a special deer friend I met. he seemed to match with me a bit more then Kaizen ever could and while he had some issues, i thought it was a nice refresher. someone who i know is human and thinks kinda like i do i can help and maybe kiss. but the thoughts came right back. i was gonna fuck it up with him, i was gonna scare him off, or even worse…he’d end up like another Kaizen.

and alas – i pretty much did scare him off. i knew it was too good to be true, it was nothing of his fault but instead i rushed too much into it. i poured my heart out expecting just to be able to pick up where i left off with a new person. i hated myself and still do for what i did. sure, it wasnt as big of a deal as what I had done to Kaizen, but i think i need to just stay to myself. change the world, engineer some fancy software, and make some other peoples lives better. im not sure if i even can love, thats a question ive asked myself for an awful long time now. i guess we will see what time says.

well, thats all ive got for tonight at least. i wont be posting with any sort of schedule, just kinda as i see fit. i guess have a good evening and dont pull the same mistakes i did?

ciao or something.