to touch on the topic more – i’ve got more on my list as i thought things through and drove around Irvine/Tustin.

first, on a side note: either my clutch is burning up (tranny making all sorts of odd noises on occasion), i have zero traction (breaking in new tires?), or im burning my brakes(handbrake technically doesnt work, could be stuck or could be loose. im not limited to 40mph so its gotta be loose). i think i smell burning rubber but i cant put my finger on it. its only on a very rare occasion so not sure.

second, i think Kaizen had things too easy. not only did he refuse to do anything that was actually hard (i.e. fix his car, help me take care of the house/apt, do or learn just basic shit you should at least know in case anything happens). sure, he was going for electrical engineering and did some workouts, he wasnt fat by any means at all, but i guess its more of a mental thing? im not sure how to explain it. he always had an easy life and while sure, i might be a little jealous, i certainly would not want his life. constantly bending over backwards to impress his parents or family, thinking he can just not worry about some things and it will all be fine. maybe i just rant about him way too much, im not sure.

i do miss that damn snake, Maynard. as illegal as it was for Kaizen’s parents to take that snake (wild bullsnake i believe), she was a pretty cute noodle and actually cuddled up to me.

it makes me think every time if im even ready for another partner. sure, its been some 5-6 months since I even talked to Kaizen, but time does not fully define the progress or healing someone has done. i still get nightmares every so often about Kaizen. the things i had done, the wrongs i commited, and all those thoughts that kept repeating in my head come into my dreams; giving them an even more realistic feeling.

im not sure if its a trauma response or if its something else related, but a lot of the nightmares consisted of Kaizen usually being railed by another guy, telling me that i was never good enough and i deserve this all. i cant escape and i wont run. then theres the other dreams of if i had stayed with him, just taking it with whatever he says just to keep him happy. as much as it is a dream, it still hurt like hell to see all that or look into his eyes and have someone you once thought you loved tell you that he could care less about you, you’re the whole problem in the relationship, and that you need to stop touching shit or it’s going to break.

even now, i’ll just be upfront, i tried to have sex with a couple other people, more as a quick swing…its why i know all of this and believe me, i want to blow my brains out just thinking about how i did that. its that feeling you get afterwards. you once had this amazing feeling of a connection between the two of you, but doing it with someone you dont even know…its not even a feeling of relaxation or a euphoric high, its just straight saturated fucking depression.

its what tells me im not good enough for deerboi. or anyone for that matter. its all i keep thinking about when i do things now. the thought of him being by my side on this road trip, cuddling next to him on the couch or in bed, exploring this (cursed) city, maybe going on the ferris wheel thats by the AirBnB, and so much more. things that Kaizen would never do with me. there’s something about just how we connected and talked that has me obsessed with him. im not sure what it really is…and i guess why i feel so close and “relatable” to him.

it sounds really bad – but i dont want someone whos “perfect”. the way Kaizen chose to speak to me in the end tells me everything i need to know about him and what would of happened in the future, should that relationship have (had?) continued. “I dont want someone with problems”. “Im just not interested in you anymore”. “You’ve been on and off with me how many times now?”. each and every one of those times, i believe it was 4 or 5…i just felt hopeless. was it an excuse? no. what i did was inexcusable. i should of spoken up and said something. but even our first argument when he chose to get food instead of just waiting (patience, another thing i really hated that he never had), we had an argument that night because i took my aunts truck and told him to get his things, he’s going back to his parents.

he thought he could walk all over me and do as he pleased. i didnt see it then. i should of ended it there. but no, i had to make things work. i had to put him first and disregard myself. i cant do anything else after all, its just not in me to. even down to what i do each and every day. do i do anything for myself? very rarely if anything. i hate doing things soley for me. its usually focused on moo moo, another close friend, or just something to get the startup going/assisted. its a really bad habit i can never really break.

those words though, “I dont want someone with problems”. as i’ve said previously, i cant tell if its just me and im going insane or its actually something of concern – but not only did that hurt, that told me “I dont want an actual relationship, I want someone I can talk to and do as I please and put back on the shelf whenever I want”. Kaizen doesnt want to put work into a relationship, no. that requires him to stop being selfish. that requires that he does something other then what he wants. and i want the opposite of that…another reason im so attracted to that damn deer. the way he had explained a lot of issues he had, its something i had experienced. something i want to help him with.

he talked a lot about many different issues he had. i dont want to go into it fully for the sake of him, but i just wanted to hold him close, tell him everything was going to be okay, and that i would be right by his side every step of the way. but i moved too fast with him, getting a little too intimate too fast, making mistakes, and scaring him. he didnt want a relationship for whatever reason he did choose. thats not my concern and if he is ready at some point, im willing to hear him as to why but i dont want to push…yet i did. i chose to push and try to get close with him without saying it. i kept telling him i’d want to go on a date with him someday, see him in person, explore the city he’s in…but then just like that, it all disappeared. he had stopped talking to me because i fucking scared him.

there was a short while where i sent him messages, just pleading for him to talk to me and stuff. it was unhealthy. i still dont understand exactly why i still feel so attracted to him. even now i still failed him, i dont know why i think i could do anything different. that i could actually be his fucking partner and be relied on. i can barely do that as it is at work and i cant even keep a stable friendship with someone i met. im honestly suprised i can still keep some of my friends around, as little as i do seem to talk to them. even as one of them pointed out when they took over my snapchat this week (to keep up streaks since Garfield wanted to start them lol, happy 69/70ish streaks?) i barely even talk to people on SC. and thats my most used social app. no i dont make phone calls and the only SMS texts i really get are my bank and my boss. as you can see im a very social person.

i knew this week i had to make a change. i was on my phone way too much as it is to just get the time to pass by. constantly scrolling through twitter feed, looking at all the cursed memes on iF, and some other things, the entirety of last weekend was me watching TV and doing just that. i was cooked, i was beginning to reach a bit of a limit with work, but it wasnt anything i hadnt experienced before. i just had to find a way to manage and push harder. i ended up deactivating twitter (to sign me out of every device), removing iF, and handing over my snap to a close brother in crime. i knew i couldnt continue how i was so i had to do at least force it a bit to get my body and mind to stop being so addicted to my phone. i still need my phone for work (responding to customer tickets) and i needed to finish an ongoing project (that to be quite honest i would just rather bring home, FUCK California and FUCK these damn laws and FUCK the prices of everything here.)

i hate to think that deer thinks he’s alone in any of what he may be going through…but i cant continue to bother him. im not fit to talk to him or be his partner at all. believe me, it would be a fucking dream come true at this point to have a wonderful relationship with him but theres no way in hell that 1) he does actually like me back and 2) that i can be stable and independent enough to not have to have him as some sort of emotional crutch. he (and anyone for that matter) should not be in that situation.

im not even sure what i want to do at this point. i know im probably gonna go right back to thinking about him or wanting to text him when i reactivate my socials, but im so fucking broken that i sound like i need to be put in a mental asylum. im not sure what im gonna do by tomorrow, let alone the next coming weeks. aside from work.

even when i get home too, its still not “home”. i hate where i am at now, the small town that i reside in isnt cracked up as it used to be anymore and same goes for the city about 15 miles out from me. both of which have now gone in the shitter. i feel no different then as if i was in my hometown. it fucking sucks to just get out of this apartment building and how its setup, not to mention i dont have my servers and pilots desk (3 damn monitors and a TV for all my coding nights). thats the only real difference. i just stay there, sleep on the couch (I still cant sleep in my bed from the shit with Kaizen), and the occasional fucking around with moo moo.

i guess to put it simply, im lost. i wander in search of someone to come with me on the journey of life, but im very picky because I dont need another Kaizen to fuck up my life and i dont want someone i know isnt going to last. i cant find meaning for myself so i make it by trying to change the world with a startup organization that i dream big about. and before it gets big, i want someone there with me as a partner (not biz partner, intimate) because then and only then, i know they can be trusted and arent some gold digger. and even if that org fails, they’ll still be by my side through another one of my insane ideas.

well, my “breakup” playlist is almost over, mostly filled with Illenium and a touch of Joji. cant be shuffled but gives the right mix of songs to remind me just how much ive fucked myself over and plenty of other people in my life. time to listen to my depresso espresso playlist to sleep.