yesterday feels like a fever dream. maybe its because i wasnt on my normal schedule of going to the office early in the morning and doing everything there, or maybe it was because i stayed up until 1 am again for the first time in a while. im not sure.

i used to stay up a lot to the point i would be up until 5am to get some of my coding sessions done. i wanted (and still do) to move forward with my projects and hopefully starting my own organization someday. i know it takes a lot and is going to require more nights like that, especially as a current one/two man team. trying to get more staff onboard is probably the hardest part because i know its a hit or miss to have a successful organization and its even harder to go about it when you know you wont be able to pay or be paid by anyone for at least a while.

but even last night – it felt different. i did my writing and stuff back at the airbnb and felt overwhelmed still. theres so much to do with work and i know that while i can choose to go home now, its not going to last in the long run for the rest of the team and theres a good chance ill just have to come back again to do it. all i can do is keep pushing and moving forward. in the span of the twoish weeks ive been here, im not even sure that its work that is stressing me out so badly. i know im not necessarily being rushed to get this stuff done as much as i try to rush myself, but even back home i had some days that were like this. days where i just felt like everything was hitting me all at once, and it was incorrect.

it could very well be due to my tendency to bottle things up. i dont know what else to do because nothing else helps. i constantly push myself to do more even when i feel sick or like shit, i tell myself i cant do anything and i’ll never amount to shit because of my past choices, and everything that has happened to me i was either lucky to get away with (like 73 in a 35 lol) or i deserved it for what/how i acted. waking up in the morning and the first thing on your mind is how badly you continue to fuck up doesnt exactly make your day good. unfortunately its the only way left i have to get my ass in gear when it comes to doing things, tight schedule or not.

even now i still continue to struggle with a lot and im not sure how. i can’t keep a conversation with most people because its as if im slacking off and i need to be doing something better with my time, i dont let myself really do anything for myself because it just feel weird to do and highly selfish (i.e. this current trip – at most i’ve gone to go get dinner, but i dont let myself really explore anything around here because thats not what im here to do), and even this bullshit i started where i thought i was ready to jump into a new relationship only to freak out and ruin it all.

i just cant do regular shit. i have to always be working. it doesnt matter how i do it, whether its working on my car, working on some sort of new program, doing my full time job, or even running with Lotto, but I cant do much of anything outside of that.

so much shit just ends up getting to me when i leave myself alone for an extended period of time. i’ll end up spacing out watching tv and everything floods in. why am I not doing this, i could be fixing that, look at how you failed at doing X, this is why you and Y dont talk…it just goes on and on.

there’s actually quite a few times just in the span of the past two weeks i was right about on that edge of just breaking down right there. but i didnt. not because i told myself things would be better but because it was a waste of my time. what was that going to achieve?

im not sure what exactly i’ve become. maybe the constant workhorse i always told myself i needed to be or i’d fail?