im not sure what kind of human psycological magic there is to doing this but i can certainly say that it has helped to scream at this ocean of data.

i went ahead and uploaded some older content before this nest was created, some explicit stuff that is most likely best to keep just between me and a handful of folk. something i wrote before i finally let go of Kaizen. i’ve had him a lot less on my mind as well, which is good. the last thing i want is to have anything to do with him at this point in time.

i ended up reactivating my twitter, i need to stop running from things. if i need a break from social media i need to just put down the phone or have the self control in myself to make some fucking changes. not be a pussy and run. i need to keep my schedule of getting up decently early to get ready for the day, actually eat breakfast, and start work. theres…theres a lot i need to do. its actually almost surprising how far i have made it without doing majority of things.

i stopped eating breakfast quite a long time ago. it wasnt any sort of real decision, just in high school all you want to do is sleep and you hate to have to get up at 0530/0630 (zero hour, I needed a P.E. credit along with some other stuff). even now, i dont know if i graduated high school. i didnt fail any classes but going to Running Start to get an additional mix of HS and college credits fucked some things up. all i wanted is to get school out of my fucking way so i could get some real shit taken care of.

most of my high school life i recall being a goddamned mess. freshman year started off strong and i was able to keep up with A’s across the board. i was excited for school. then when the divorce came about, shit went downhill fast. everything from my father losing the house for a period of time to my mother thinking it was okay to treat me like some kind of CIA terrorist.

at the start, it was interesting persay. i remember heading out for school and thinking nothing of it. put on music and went to the bus stop. it was a day that i was going to be picked up by my mother. see she was way out of range of the district. my father was already the main custody holder so i went basically wherever he did. luckily he wasnt trying to screw or be with every person he saw on the street so the only big move (I recall at least) was from northside to the valley of our city.

when it came to the relationship between my mother and father – at least from what i saw – it was pretty basic. they didnt fight but just made things work so i could do what i wanted (like baseball after school or the birthday parties when I was a kid and overly fucking obsessed with Knight Rider. i will be building that fucking Mustang). they never really questioned each other to me when i got picked up, it was usually “what did you do at X’s” not “how’s your father? is him and the witch (father’s current wife at the time, not her real name unfortunately.) doing okay? is there anyone your father is speaking to?”. just shit like that.

those questions are what was kinda a hint as to the absolute clusterfuck that was about to occur. i went and did my shit at my mothers as a regular freshman kid on the farm, taking care of the horses and getting paid to do it, sitting in my room with my Xbox One playing Deus Ex (fucking badass game series btw, i suggest you try it), and playing with the three dogs we had on the farm. Bunny, Maddie, and my technically personal dog, Rolo. Bunny we had on the farm since I was little, probably 5 or 6? she was an old gal but still ran around like she was a puppy. she wouldnt hurt a fly but unfortunately she isnt the most observant dog. when she went to chase a toy that was thrown, i was in her path. as a full size great dane/black lab mix, having a tall ass dog trample your ass isnt the best feeling in the world.

when i came back home to my fathers on Monday (always had 5 days i stayed with my mother basically, i forget the schedule now but it was some monday/tuesday), there was some sort of situation that occurred. in summary, the witch had taken her kids and my little half brother and disappeared. she said she felt scared at the home and had to leave and yada yada…it was all bullshit. little did my father know she was essentially always performing a long term scam and her family was usually in on it. usually

she did it with a handful of other guys, essentially she would find someone, they would get married or at least have a kid, she would be a controlling bitch, state she was afraid of X, Y, or Z, then get custody of the child(ren), get child support, and repeat the process. most of the stories were a lot more complicated then that such as when she was threatened by one of her exes that she would be killed before he went back to prison or something. and now those two are back together in one “””happy””” family. what a surprise.

the sad thing is, is that most if not all of her family members knew that. and she would keep doing that over and over a handful of times. when she left the house the first time in the beginning, she apparently stayed with her mother who apparently was similar. only found that out later on in time. she claimed all these things like how father had done nothing for us and she provided everything, how one of her daughters was pushed down the stairs by him, and all these other horrible things. unless i was drugged 24/7, last i recall she had said she wouldn’t want to trade our blended family for anything. the most amount of problems that occured was the fights that happened (at least in front of the kids) once every couple of years.

it was usually something stupid that i had not realized until later on. i.e. the youngest daughter throwing my half brother (who at the time was barely 1) to the ground. father yelled at the youngest daughter and that cunt yelled at my father for getting after her like she did nothing wrong. or how she raised a joke of a son (her oldest son for that matter) that had 1) sexually assaulted me 2) instead of finishing high school, chose to get drunk and move away back to his dads and 3) is now dazed out of his mind on drugs and alcohol constantly from what i hear and was kicked out of his friends house that he was living in for a while.

when the divorce papers came, she chose to continue that same charade. tell her lies about how she was always abused along with her kids and had to run back to her mothers place and blah blah blah. the issue then came to be not only was this going on – but my half brother would be gone for over a few months. she had this idea that she could hold him over my fathers head, only allowing maybe an hour of time for us to see him at Chuck E Cheese. that was maybe 2-3 hours total over those few months. it wasnt until the new parenting plan was in place that we were able to see him more often, but even then that was an issue for as dumb of a cunt as she is.

now here’s the fun part where i came into play and why i state i was treated like a cia terrorist lol. each time i went back to my mothers, things got worse. sure, i can handle a few odd questions, thats no problem. it wasnt until she began to tell me that the divorce between my father and her was my fault (dont do cocaine then lmao), that i need to tell her everything about whats going on, how she continued to control what i can and cant do, and even going as far as thinking it was okay to try and take my equipment when i had school to do.

one argument i recall, i was already pretty fed up with her as it was. i believe this is after I had filed a modified C.H.I.N.S. request , i still dont have a good timeline due to a lot but regardless, she kept asking me about what was going on (which come to find out, she was speaking to the witch that left father with the kids), and i kept telling her off and that isnt of her concern. she didnt take kindly to me getting into her phone with…how did she put it…my “knowledge of hacking from the FBI”? i am not fucking kidding either, somewhere in my documents i have in writing her talking about being government trained from the school (it was CyberPatriot and by rules and regs, we are only permitted for defense, not offense).

i told her basically that she wasnt having anything and she can go fuck herself. she already threatened to throw me out and send me to my fathers which would of been a godsend so i decided to press her buttons and tell her that father was a lot better at being a parent then she ever could imagine. well…she didnt take kindly to it and tried to close my laptop lid so she could take it away from me. i took it back from her and told her to fuck off. unfortunately around this time i still had a phone from her and that was on her plan i was using (an AT&T LG G6) and she wanted it. i knew why, it wasnt related to paying it off or returning it to the store, it was so she could rip my data off the phone and read whatever she wanted.

as a parent, yes, there is some limitations you should put in with your child. they dont need to be talking to random furries and sexual freaks on Kik and having relationships with random colorful animated dogs (you know who you are). but to demand a child’s information off their device all to see what they’re saying to the other parent is a huge no and a fast track to get fucked over. while i cant confirm this – i do find it interesting that after i gave her the device but not my PIN, i ended up with my phone back and it almost always overheating, even doing nothing. after investigation using ADB tools and seeing the processes using up battery, AT&T Remote Management was at the top of the list, using majority of my battery and CPU. maybe im just paranoid but her owning the account and that running constantly in the background after a fight like that doesnt sit well. (that same app also could not be disabled or removed without root which is also an issue with AT&T locked phones, already tried!)

regardless of whether she was taking content off my device or not, i decided to ditch the phone anyways and just keep it in my box of tools. i knew it was only a matter of time before she would blacklist the device and IMEI/reporting the phone stolen (thus prohibiting it from accessing any other networks, even globally). she still would try to continue to cause problems and give two shits less about me. even when i had brought up the violent and suicidal dreams in court with the CHINS case, her response to it was simply “I saw”.

two dreams after a fight I had with both her and my grandmother on her side (she never cared to move out of her mothers place, even at the age of 40 she still resides there), both consisted of my death. the first one i recall being in bed in the basement (in my room, which this room was only given to me after a previous legal situation asked her if i even had a room in that house – i did not), and her grabbing a pistol. not sure where it came from but regardless she had come into my room and shot me twice in the back of the head.

the second one being shortly after that dream, im not sure if it was me waking up and back to sleep or if it was the next day, but i had hung myself from the railing at the top of the staircase. when she had come up the stairs, she had no regard for the death of her child and could care less. all that simply occurred was that she had cut my body from the rope and threw it out in the fields (we lived on a relatively large portion of land with two barns intended for horse boarding).

yet, all she could say is “I saw” and have zero regard for my wellbeing. i knew from then on she never cared in the first place and that most, if not all, of what was said about her previously was true. i knew she was a drunk, she was constantly drinking the little red wine bottles in the car. even during the CHINS situation she was told she would be required to stop. did she? no, she was like a toddler. she simply hid what she was doing. in the span of one week, she consumed 20 1.5L bottles of wine. 30 fucking liters. she never cleaned up and after i took a photo and notified the courts of this, her response was that i planted those. so in summary – yeah, not really much of a mother.

as the time went on in high school, i took the time to try and make a relationship with my half brother. it wasnt until he was taken without warning from my father and I that i began to realize just how special it was to have him. he was always making noise at home and since father worked late a lot of the times, it was odd to come home to almost complete silence. it didnt sit well with me at all. in those times i began to form that relationship with him and provide what that witch couldnt. not only that but with the abuse that went on over there, i knew it would be easy to give him a happy memory and help build a safe place for him in a way.

because that witch knew she couldnt do much in regards to hurting my father and could only get so far with me and my mother, she chose to take it out on her own son as well. he kept telling us about how she would smoke in the car with him all the time with the windows rolled up, how he was locked in the dark closet, how he was never played with and just kind of sat at home, that he didnt have his own room and simply had “a magic curtain” between his mothers bed and his area, and so much more. she couldnt even dress him properly most of the time with clothes coming back dirty, smelling like cigarettes most of the time, too small for him, or even fucking backwards.

the shit continues on to this day and her braincells diminish. my mother still tries to contact me and im not even sure if she’s even trying, i think she just found out how to schedule emails. not sure. but all this shit wouldnt diminish until maybe halfway though my second year of HS? the courts decided that while my mother had some things stripped from her such as me being able to go over to her place or stay the night, that therapy between us two is still required. around this time is when i would meet my (well…first serious relationship) then girlfriend. she was nice and was cute as hell, but the way i chose to flirt and hit on her was most certainly a good way to get my head smashed in.

with the therapy ongoing, my mothers habit of manipulation and lying wouldnt stop…still. (im just gonna divide this into two parts as well…stay tuned? im about to shit myself.)