I think I ended up sleeping for a full 12 hours, something around there. Its been quite some time since that has happened.

all I can keep thinking about is deerboi, over and fucking over again. it’s helping me keep my head on straight and stopping me from doing some stupid shit, but its unhealthy. i dont want to do what i did again and keep spamming him with messages. i think keeping it half and half may be best for the time being…still talking with him, checking in to make sure he’s okay, but not saying a word about myself.

i need to find something better to do with my time and some way to stay focused on what i need to do. i keep wanting to work on my projects but then i get distracted by something else. its just…odd.

when it comes to thinking about having a partner, there’s so much that comes to mind. i know it can’t be rushed and i know it can’t just be something that i get that falls into my arms, ready to go…but its almost like it gives me motivation and more purpose in my life. currently its like once i go home, thats it. i just go back to work and doing my thing. its probably part of the reason right now i have almost no fucks given for when i do go back…although having to miss easter with the family does hurt a bit but there’s plenty more i’ll be able to do once this shit is taken care of.

daydreaming about someone in my life – thinking about coming home to someone to hug and kiss, making dinner for them, going on the business trips with them that i take for tradeshows or like this one, it would just be the cherry on top that makes thing’s so much better.

i dont mind being the breadwinner so long as whoever is my partner has something they can do themselves – learning or creating in their spare time. i’d prefer that we can both work to put away savings for big things such as international vacations or maybe a home together, but its not the end of the world if that has to be delayed a bit. but i’d much at least like that they continue to practice something they love or are interested in, whether its drawing, engineering, coding, animating, just a way to i guess have backup. maybe i should think that through a bit more only because in the worst of situations that i do lose my job or i become ill, there should be a backup to use. especially in the current situation where i dont have anything in savings to fall on.

but then in our time together, we would just spend time with each other, talking or doing things. i dont care if we can only drive out to the middle of a field and look to the stars or if we have the ability to travel to the Netherlands, as long as I can spend time with whoever it may be it just would be nice. being able to comfort someone you love in a time of need, holding hands with them and locking eyes as the two of you go to do something together, or just having someone to talk to and kiss on long trips. someone who’s compatible and understands you and you understand them. someone who if you begin to have issues keeping yourself together, they know exactly what to do to help you.

i get it – independence is a thing that also should be between two lovers. not having issues should one of the two need to be separated either due to just them wanting to spend time alone or with their friends/family, or whatever it may be. i know there are times i would just like to be left alone to do work or think on my own and i know im not alone on that – but this also means being able to build and know that you can trust the other person. i believe this is probably one of the biggest things I see a lack of today. too much privilege and people thinking they can just backstab whoever they please, even if it is their lover. it’s what im afraid of happening with whoever i do fall in love with.

i hear too many stories and have heard things from close friends about it all. you think you love them to death, you’ll do anything for them, and that you two can’t live without each other – then one of you ends up having sex with someone else, getting in another relationship, flirting, or just otherwise being un(?)loyal. then what happens?

its not to say that things cant be patched, but there’s almost always something that could of been done first. both sides should listen to each other with what their needs are. and it should be needs not wants. your fantasy of 12 men and 12 women with you in the center of an orgy is not a need. but for example, one side stating that they dont feel that they’re getting the attention they should be. the other side then should listen and both should talk it out about how they can resolve the matter. how can they be better for each other and grow as a couple.

and to touch on that last part – thats another thing. this is something i actually had an issue with in my last two relationships. thinking that you are not good enough for the other person. in majority of stories i hear, this is almost not the issue at all, and when it is the issue its usually due to laziness and lack of making change. voice that you dont feel good enough to the other person and ask them what you two can do to be better for each other. its all it takes. no one is perfect, but what matters is instead growing with that person into being the perfect couple, not getting someone perfect straight off the bat.

maybe i spend too much of my time daydreaming about what i can do with the perfect person in my life. maybe that wont happen at all, im really not sure. so much still hurts at the end of the day and it just always feels like i wont ever get it off my shoulders, that i need someone to help me…but that just feels wrong, once again touching on the emotional crutch.

i dont want to continue to go through partners. im not looking for a “short term partner”, a “FWB/friends with benefits”, or some sort of bandaid fix. im just looking for someone loyal, cute, and that i know i can trust with anything it may be. they dont need to be like me in where they need to be interested in coding/engineering/etc. but i do want someone who i know at least shares some similar views to me. there’s some things that really define someone’s character, especially these days, and i think how someone views or thinks on something can tell you exactly who they are, if you can trust them, and whether or not they’re worth it. and finally – someone who has some damn common sense/critical thinking.

someday…maybe. or maybe i’ll get my head out of my ass and stop looking for a reason to put my burdens on someone. i dont know, i’m all over the place.