im not sure what it is. i hate myself for even thinking about it. im so fucking alone and i cant come to terms with it that i try and find something to fill the hole, even if it means making excuses. i have to stop myself from thinking or doing something stupid. i cant fucking take more pain i bring upon myself.

i want someone by my side. someone wonderful and amazing. and i know i’ve done too much to even try and go find someone else to date and love. i dont know what the fuck i am anymore, i continue to work nonstop on everything only to feel like i’ve never done anything. even talking to deerboi it just fucking hurts. everything does. i talk to him and i love every second of it, i want to be amazing friends and maybe i’ll be good enough for him, but all i can continue to think about is if he was my partner.

even last night i thought about how amazing it would be for us to go on dates or learn how to make sushi at home to surprise him or something. and it just…hurts. it’s not the fact that i thought about that, but more that it feels impossible to do. i want to protect him, i want to comfort him, i want to just fucking be the most amazing partner and husband to him but my dumbass wouldn’t shut the fuck up and let up. i fucked myself over with the same mistake i made with Kaizen. i continued to push despite being told no. and now here i am. worried that despite us barely being friends at the current point in time, he’s going to find someone else.

i dont even begin to understand or fathom why in the hell this is happening. where in the hell did i begin to start lagging behind in how fast i can perform and think certain things through and started going through a million different horrible situations with someone i barely met but think that they’re the goddamn love of my life. and its only him! i literally only have this issue with him. its not what he does or how he acts that does any of this – its not his fault in any way.

believe me, ive had weird fucking thoughts about some guys and gals ive seen or those i’m friends with. it usually ends in three ways, 1) we’re brothers from another mother, that’s the equivalent of contemplating incest 2) at best i would probably be friends with benefits with them and thats gross, or 3) thats just…not happening. weird for me and weird for the other person. so if its not me being attracted to just some schmuck on the street, what the fuck is it about him?

my mind continues to race about everything. i keep talking to him and he’s telling me all about his friend he used to date. its good he’s telling me some of that stuff but my God does it just set me off. i dont have any real clue as to who this person is, but thinking that they’re just…yeah no some sort of change needs to be done.

i dont know what to do. i can continue on my current route and continue talking to him, hoping things get better. i guess as long as he’s okay its fine. then i have the choice of just distancing myself from him…potentially losing him forever…and just generally being a dick all because my feelings were hurt.

i dont want to tell him this although he will probably figure it out himself. imagine talking to someone who freaks out about the slightest thing, so much fun right? then having to talk around it and thinking that you should love them? such a great idea.

(I say that last part with sarcasm, in case you haven’t noticed)

im not sure what the fuck to do. im probably going to be stuck with more endless nights of no sleep, racing thoughts, and failure to be productive. fingers crossed i can stay stable…and keep it in my pants. im probably going to have to lie to myself and tell myself i’ll be able to be with him just to be able to make it until i can get home.

this is just fucking sad…