its 5:01 am.
im not sure what the hell just happened.
i went to bed pretty late, maybe 01:30 to 02:00.

i had this overly vivid dream, i was in this shared home among a few different people. i dont know why, something about not being able to get back home right now. and there it was. i realized i was in a depiction of the college apartment space that Kaizen was in. i didnt care for him, i know that. he practically screwed me over and caused me more pain then id like to admit. why was this happening?

i saw some of who i thought were his roommates. just kinda random people i guess i generated. i know he had roommates, but who i was looking at wasnt it. same thing with this home. i know what Kaizens college apartment looked like as well…it wasnt a pleasant sight to see any of it or how i depicted it in my dreams…but i knew exactly what was going on with the emblems and one of the bedrooms i saw.

i went upstairs to Kaizens room to settle down for a few days. as time passed i just sat there and worked. Kaizen came in and simply ignored me. it was clear he wasn’t fond of me and something kept telling me that he’s already out screwing a bunch of other guys and gals. why do I care? what the fuck is going on with me?

this wasnt some normal pain i get from time to time, seeing the old memories we had together and thinking he could actually pull himself together, no. this hit me like it was the first time. even though it was a dream i could feel my chest ripping itself apart, my heart racing with time, and every part of my body begin to feel weak. it was that stupid little panic attack i had all over again. all because i thought i liked some boy and it didnt work out. all this pain and these nightmares and just everything. i fucking hate myself.

the dream went on. he fell asleep doing one of his projects on his laptop. i decided to go, it was best. i didnt have control from then on, it was just more me spectating myself. i got up and i had kissed his forehead goodbye before packing my shit and leaving. as i got up, i saw it was dark out. there was no light except the faint glows of the residences nearby. the rain was pouring down as i came outside. i looked back, looking at the place he stayed, and continued walking away.

im not sure what it was all about. perhaps it was some way of reliving the moment again all summarized in a way. from driving out to the collegetown he was in to staying with him and walking around with him and his friends…to feeling the pain i had every time just talking to him hoping that it was enough. that it would work. thinking that because we arent together anymore and that all of his roommates are either bi or gay, that they’re probably having some sort of orgy. im not sure what the hell my thoughts are sometimes. im not sure why im overly fucking controlled first thing over sex. it shouldnt matter, yet its the first thing i jump to. its disgusting and why i’ve wanted to consider chemical castration for a long time now. do something to supress all of these feelings and thoughts of just constant sex and sex related matters.

feeling that pain walking away, seeing the brick road filling with water, and the difficulty and weight of just living continue to grow…something amplified it. now i dont feel much of anything…but is it a subconscious thing feeling pain? suppressing it or the lack thereof? what was i doing and where was i going?

i havent had a nightmare/dream hit like that in…well…at least a few years. im not sure if im gonna be able to make it back asleep but i guess i’ll try.

the following days should be interesting to see what the fuck happens to me…if i end up ripping myself apart and breaking down finally. fingers crossed it happens in private.