slept like shit last night, had a dream that i was being attacked and ended up killing someone. i swear i thought i felt their blood across my body. that or i pissed myself and didnt realize it.

woke up pretty late today, stayed in bed until about 10. first thing on my mind right there was deerboi. i kept telling myself its not happening. then it was like right then and there id forget and id imagine us making love or cuddling in bed. it fucking hurt a bit and then i proceeded to get out of bed and just “shake it off”. eventually i just came back to my senses…or lack thereof. its now just null and void. no emotions, no feelings, just a neutral face and no response back.

even with the lack of emotions and feelings i have, i just keep pulling myself right back to thinking about him. i dont want to and i cant stand it sometimes. i just want to work. but yet, my mind wanders. its like as i am doing something i.e. driving, working, getting up in the morning, taking a shower, walking around the office or with Lotto, im duplicating it in my head with him and what i’d imagine us doing or something. its obsessive and weird. i can’t even imagine what someone would fucking think about this.

its like i yearn so much to not be alone and to stop this pain. i dont want to be so obsessed over finding someone but its like the one thing that would stop me from being fucking insane and retarded. being with Kaizen before any of the breakups or bad blood, i could be myself. i could just be free without repercussions. i didnt have to worry as much about anything for that matter. there was quite a few times that while i was with him, it was like pure euphoria. albeit it was all just an illusion in the end.

i guess that’s just what im holding so much onto. wanting someone that at the end of the day i can just be myself and lay with them, talking about everything throughout the day. i want to distance myself from him and a lot of other people, but yet something keeps telling me to send him another message. keep bugging him. ask him how his day was. ask him how he’s doing. ask if he wants to do something or talk.

i wish it was so much easier to control myself and my behavior. something like a configuration file to disable certain things.