seems like someone’s attempting to break something or im just severely retarded and accidently ddosing myself.

regardless, something fell over me all of a sudden. i’ve had “alone time” maybe 3-4 times today, if not more. something isnt healthy, maybe im not getting out enough. its beginning to feel like home here and not in a good way – but feeling as if im trapped. im stuck where im at and there’s nothing i can do about it. i look out the window at the miles upon miles of city blocks this metropolis area has. los angeles and its surrounding areas is probably one of the biggest cities in the US, yet, its like something is wrong.

is it because i know im not home? i dont even feel like im at home when im at the place i’ve paid for for over a year now. what makes it a home? what makes a place so “lively” and “nice” for lack of a better term for me? i’d certainly never want to live in this city. sure, its nice to see some things or look around, experience stuff ive never seen before (like the sushi robot bar i went to just recently with a cool coworker, never thought i’d see that here). but is it a sustainable place to live? no. could be my paranoia talking but pretty sure i taste plastic in the water from the sink.

i was doing okay for a while today, followed by once again being stuck on my phone for an extended period. i got some stuff fixed and up like the version control system thats been a thorn in my ass for a couple months now. but yet it feels like i’ve done nothing. i’ve contributed nothing. i have nothing. i just keep eating and i keep daydreaming about that damn deer. and now i think i’ve fallen so low i find myself missing Kaizen somehow. someone i’ve now grown to hate with an immense feeling to the point i can quite literally feel “my blood boil” as they say. but yet the feeling of him holding me or the memories of when we first did stuff came back up.

i’ve got a good feeling its the closeness. i grew so used to being able to have someone by my side, someone to love, someone to lie next to and fall asleep to at night, that its like i cant live without it. it takes so much out of me to just stop the memories and feeling from flooding in. it causes me such a stir that i have regular nightmares. most of the time i just wake up and continue on with my day because its so normal. why tell anyone? why try to be an attention seeker?

its just all so much that i hold in. it leaks on occasion, like a dam beginning to crack. i fill the cracks every so often to the best of my ability, and then another rainfall comes in. more weight against the damn, more work for the turbines, and more of a chance i wont be able to control when i end up breaking down in hysteria. it never happened with Kaizen, i know there were sometimes i had cracked because he began to cry and i wanted to just pour everything out, but i couldnt. i choked up and began to shutdown like i usually do. i just physically cannot bring myself to talk about me and my past and how many issues i have that only continue to stack on each other.

i’ve been poked at, proded, pestered, stress tested, squeezed, however you wish to put it…so many fucking times that its just hardwired to protect myself. i can’t cry, its a waste of time. i can’t voice the issue at hand, i will just take care of it myself. i can’t tell you what the issue is…because i know exactly what you’ll think.

i know ive said some things to my brothers before about what goes on inside my head and we all are the same yet different. its…its almost scary. something you see out of a scifi novel, one person turns into a handful of personalities or “multiverses” but they’re all really close friends. but the issue is we all seem to have the similar issues as well. what do you do when everyone’s got the same issue and no one has the answer?

i guess thats the main thing that i seem to always seek. what the fuck do i do?

i just dont see a reason in doing a lot of what everyone says is the key to fixing things anymore. maybe im built stupid but everyone says “get a therapist, voice your feelings, say what you want to say” but when i do that, im looked down upon, im told im nothing and that i’ll never get anywhere, that im just being a pussy, that all of what i’ve gone through is nothing since people have it worse, and just deal with it. and really – its all true. i can tell you just off the top of my head at least 5 people who i know have it much worse then me.

boohoo, look at me whining and crying on the internet. look at me starved of attention and just begging for someone to come help. its why i want an S/O so badly right? its why i completely did a 180 so quickly when my first gf left right? its all just attention seeking and i need to deal with it. it really is. i’ve made so many errors and mistakes, some arent even mistakes since i choose to continue making those choices – im just being a fucking numbskull. then look at how high i set my standards. look at what i want. some guy who’s cute, who can think straight and has critical thinking, who actually can kiss me, and all these other things…yet what do i have to offer? nothing.

thats another thing too, since we’re talking on the terms of “washed up” persay. that was one of the biggest issues i had when i first ended it with Kaizen. how can anyone move on from someone they used to love and have sex with? how can you have any more then one partner in a lifetime?

and would ya look at me. i cant keep my fucking dick in my pants. thats so romantic right? that i cant control myself and i want to screw anything that moves at this point?

its so romantic and wonderful to feel pain and emptyness because i keep having this feeling of wanting someone to hold and take a nap with – yet i have no one. i want someone that after a stressful day at work, i can just forget about it and sit in their lap.

but no. i’ve made my bed. i’ve made my mistakes. i dont get another choice except to sit right there in it. i can either choose to just take what im given and go ahead and lower my standards, or continue ripping myself from the inside out, continuing this habit of black magic fuckery to essentially nullify my emotions.

im not sure how i do it or if its some sort of placebo thing, but after so much stress and pain, sometimes after what feels like my heart being twisted, i just force myself to stop processing all emotions and feelings. i’ll still act normal, but its all autopilot. most of it i dont remember, like a blind habit. i know i did it. there’s even rare situations where i’ll go about my entire day as usual but i cant recall what the fuck i did. its like waking up all of a sudden at your desk, halfway though a task.

its not drugs, its not anything hard, in fact i’ve never done any of that. no weed, no alcohol, no meth/crack/cocaine/ecstasy, any of it. its most likely part of the reason why i have such a bad energy drink addiction that i know i use similar to alcohol. “Oh I feel like shit/today has been shit, time to drink a big ass 300mg Reign so i can stay up to work myself to sleep and not deal with my ongoing thoughts”. i’ve also noticed that my sugar intake will skyrocket after a bad day too. its not like ice cream but i’ll just have this need to have like 3 or 4 pepsis in a day. most of the time i have like maybe two a week.

im not even sure why i think im good enough for deerboi. why i seem to fall in love with him so quickly and im so interested in him. it makes my day to be able to talk to him for some reason even though he’s voiced he’s not interested in me, but yet how in the hell do i think its okay to just continue? i cant control myself from how i handle myself in the past, and even now all i want to tell him is how much i love him. why should i continue being an ass to him?

im not sure how this night is going to go. my chest is beginning to burn up, kinda like butterflies in my stomach but not in a good way. more like “oh shit” stuff, hard to explain. also stuck in this feeling of being tired but cant get that tired enough feeling to actually fall asleep. im like Schroedingers tard. both fucking retarded and will casually write an entire docker compose for a 20 service setup. both tired and yet fully awake. both in love and yet wants nothing to do with it.

i really need to get a grip on myself.