im not sure what it is with me today but i’ve been overly tired right up until the end of the night. i fell asleep for 30/45 minutes earlier about 5-6pm, played a bit of minecraft after, then about 9-10pm my energy went right back up.

with that too, i seem to be a bit happier, and i think i’ve made my choice about what to do with deerboi. he’s wonderful, cute, and creative. i do need to be prepared for anything…should the worst occur…but i just need to be myself. spend time with him, talk to him, and well…apparently ask him a million questions.

something i recently remembered was in regards to going against the grain. i dont remember what the subject was, but what i do recall is “If you can’t stop thinking/doing/etc. something, embrace it and see what happens.”. obviously there’s limitations to that but i cant stop daydreaming and thinking about deerboi. it hurts to hear that he’s not interested but thats also okay. i shouldn’t be diving into a new relationship immediately and without knowing the person…but holy shit do i just fucking love everything about him.

the little bits he has shared are wonderful and that cute face…I can tell he’s shy but adorable. he’s got a good hand at drawing and art, he’s creative with his synth work, he’s got an interesting way of learning circuitry and logic with the game we (well…tried to) play together, and our interests are similar and different. its wonderful. i dont know if this could be part of the reason i became so quickly attached but…he talked about not having a very good time about a year ago. it scared me. i feared the worst all the time if he wouldn’t answer or the times he just felt sad…and i wanted to do whatever i could to see him in person and console him. hold him and tell him how wonderful he is…and yeah thinking out loud like that i guess my heart was in the right place but damn i jumped the gun.

i fear the worst in other ways too…i want to be able to see him and be able to say he’s my partner one day…but my thoughts go wild and i fear he’ll be back with his ex. i dont know him and i do hope the best for the two of them if that does happen, but i have an all-too-much-of-a-problem possessive/protective thing with whoever is my partner…and im not feeling it as bad as i’ve had before but its certainly somewhere up there thinking about something like that.

you only live once – and damn it if i seem insane then im not the first person to have love entangle them in a loop of fuckery – and i wont be the last. worst case, well, i wont be able to talk to him or he’ll hate me…ive made enemies before…but best case, i’ll have a life partner i can rely on and have nights i can actually sleep…and i wont have to daydream anymore.