i dont feel a damn thing.

again

last night i was doing well, then i slowly became tired and fell asleep about 12:30-1am. then just waking up today was absolutely nothing. im not sure if its some sort of protective situation since that seems to be the core reason of most of my issues…protecting myself since previous matters usually can be predicted in the future…but im not sure. i didnt even feel a damn thing thinking about that damn deer…although i fear i said the wrong thing.

there are some days and moments i wonder why i continue to speak when i know what the fuck im saying. i’ve gotta dial back the fucked up jokes…or maybe just all of it and stick to what i’ve got going now. days are becoming repetitive and i know once i go back home, nothing will change. i’ll still be yearning for someone, i’ll still be who i was months ago, and i’ll still be wondering how and why i continue to make the same mistakes.

i cant figure it out for the life of me what the fuck is going on with me. some days its like i can rule the world, other days i cant sleep and i want to wrap my car around a tree.

i think i realized what i said or maybe it was the response (and/or lack thereof) that i got with what i said the other night. i dont know. this is what i seem to get everytime i am myself. i end up being some dickweed who says all the wrong shit or i say something out of fucking left field that makes you wonder what the fuck just happened. true autism at its finest to be honest….i should consider being tested.

i guess we ride out the rest of the week to see what happens. its apparent i cant handle myself around people, virtually or in person. i dont know what made me think i’d be able to handle myself flying down to where deerboi is at to go on a date. i dont know what made me think im even ready to go out and be social. its clear i cant go a mere hour without being a fucking child or some edgy jackass.

i dont know. its all i keep telling myself. i dont know. i dont know what to do, i dont know why i did that, i dont know whats going on.

i really dont. and i wish i did so i could fix it.