i dont think its healthy for me to be continuing this little love fiasco.

as much fun or as much benefit as there may be to having a partner…it’s just not happening for me. its not that i’ve been rejected a million times, its not that im not putting myself out there…its that i clearly can’t handle it. i cant handle the slightest issue coming up, i cant handle someone that i am in love with not being in love with me or being with someone else, i can barely bare the thought of my exes being with anyone else…it’s just nothing but pain.

its nice when you’re in the middle of it. when you can look at someone and trust that they’ll have your back, that they will always be there to listen and support you, and that no matter what happens, you two will always love each other. or at least thats what i always had and told myself…

i dont remember most of today, i dont really think i processed much of anything. when i think to myself about what i need to do and yada yada, within a snap everything floods in. how i’ve failed myself and others, how i would think about myself if i was in the other persons shoes, how i appear to most people…its just…disgusting. i hate my past, i hate who i’ve become, and i hate having most of the shit that comes with being a human. it’s not me being edgy, its just…god fucking damn. waking up everyday from a previous nightmare to realize you’re still on this earth to fuck someone elses day up, going about your tasks you’re assigned always worrying that you’re failing at them, and then going home to have an empty feeling as if you’ve done nothing.

coming back to the airbnb today the only two thoughts i had on my mind were my fun new tools i bought and sex. its always fucking sex. then i scrolled through some nsfw channel and saw some art of a gal poledancing and some other shit and that set me off a bit. i dealt with it and continued on…and then thoughts came back in. Kaizen…fucking again. i keep thinking ive gotten rid of him, ive gotten rid of the constant bug in my software that puts me in a loop thinking about us and what we did, what i could of done better, missing him only to realize he would of probably got me killed…and then feeling all those emotions over again and again.

then deerboi. thinking about how i continue to say all the wrong things. how i continue to just “be myself” and it ends up deterring people. and then my habit of pushing people away because i know better then to let someone get close to me again. oh how i’d pay everything i have just to be decently fucking normal again. or at least in a world thats in a bit normal. something.

and then hitting the shower, more thoughts of sex. thinking “I want someone inside me”. then thinking about my ex gf. and just so many other things going on all at once. then spending over an hour in the shower scrolling through social media because i dont want to continue feeling everything in my life. i dont want the feeling of failure, of pain, of knowing i’ve betrayed everyone around me, of knowing im just fucking something up simply being here or there…i just want to be neutral and do my shit.

this isnt some note to say im going to kill myself or jump off a bridge, theres far too much at stake to consider that. between brothers from another blood relying on me, to what remains of my family, and those who look up to me, my only option is to move forward. to try and be better in any way that i can…even if it means mentally ripping apart any sign of intimate interest in someone.

i’ll probably go back to the rubber band trick i had. when i first broke it off with Kaizen, i didnt want anything to do with sex but i still had…my alone time…and i wanted to remove that, so i found a rubberband one day and “Pavaloved” myself. i probably spelled his name wrong but essentially every time i felt remotely horny, i’d flick the rubber band onto my wrist to replay the thoughts and nightmares of Kaizen being happy with someone else and throwing me away like we never even met. it worked. it was the first solution i had to being able to control myself. and now im right back where i started with that.

i think i’ve found my solution. i’ve had it all along and i was too afraid to continue, but it is the only known way.