im not sure why this continues to happen, but all of today i had nothing but deerboi on my mind.

i wasnt on telegram. i mostly browsed my shitpost app while i waited on doordashes later this night.

but yet, everywhere i went. everything i did. i thought about deerboi. what it would be like to have him come down here, join me in every trip i do, come home to him every day, be on every trip with him by my side, be able to sleep each night right by his side.

and yet, it’s not going to happen. it seems that the more i try to improve my mood by getting out and doing more and moving around, the more i get this sense of a false hope. its almost as if the more i try to do better and be better for him, the more effort i try to put into keeping myself happy and stop myself from breaking into pieces…the more i almost force myself onto him. and i dont want that.

i want our first time meeting to be amazing. i suspect he will probably be a little awkward..as will I…but i want to do whatever i can to make him feel okay. i want to show him i can be his light in his life. i want to show him that i mean to be serious when i commit to him. maybe im just fucking insane, but when i have a partner, i’m protective over them. i dont need to know your every move but id like to know whats going on in the worst case event that i ever need to help or intervene or whatever it may be.

my persistence is my biggest killer it seems. not being able to get through my thick skull that he doesn’t want me.

why? good fucking question. its always like this, it’s been like this forever now. i think about him, i think about the amazing things we can do as a couple, the good days and the bad days that knit a tighter bond each passing moment, the memories we can make and hang right on the wall…and then i tell myself to stop thinking that way. to stop giving myself any sense of hope, because i know it wont happen. it doesn’t matter how i feel. it doesn’t matter what i’ve done now. with what i’ve become and i try to resist…its too late. you cant rewrite history to be better. believe me, if i had the choice of doing everything again, i wouldnt…although i feel as if it would be a paradoxical situation. without knowing what happened and the side effects from it, i’d most likely repeat myself.

i dont know. my favorite three words.

its what i seem to say when im at a loss of words. at a loss of action. when i have zero fucking clue what to do, where to go, and whatever else. i’ll try to ask for help, but i feel like that’s only going to make shit worse. and that’s if im even correct. for all i know im running around in circles over a few thoughts of myself overthinking.

its hard to come to terms with being alone forever, especially when you thought you came across the one. or maybe i just never was able to process rejection, im honestly not sure.

every day i wake up, the first thing on my mind is him. “what if i woke up next to him?” “how much better would things be to just have one day to us being together?” then its “stop thinking about it, its not going to happen and you’re only making things worse for yourself and everyone else by continuing this fiasco.”

then throughout the day it changes. “what if i just need to keep pushing? keep saving money for that trip?” “a trip that’s never going to happen? one that you’re essentially forcing on someone else as if they even like you?” “it could happen. i could just be overthinking all of this. maybe i need to get tested or something, there’s gotta be something to get my head on straight instead of this mess.” “it’s not like it matters anyways. you’re here to serve other people and help them. your history tells everything, you’re too far from having a meaningful relationship. you cant keep it in your pants, you’ve gained more enemies then friendlies, and if it wasnt for your stubbornness you wouldn’t be in this in the first place.”

“thinking about how wonderful it would be to own a decently sized place on the south hill or in a more upscale area…or hell, even having several acres of never worrying about a damn thing…and i’d love nothing more then to have deerboi by my side through it all and being able to wake up to him and kiss him and hug him and having fun walking naked through the house and knowing that no matter what comes at us, nothing can stop us since we have each other” “it’s too bad you cant let go of people because you think you have a chance the more you push and force yourself on people. if you had spent less time doing this and more time actually working and putting in effort in your own future, you’d probably be there by now.”

“there’s no way i can’t not love him…is this just an obsession? to think every day about someone like they’re an addiction? to smile each time you think about how much better things could be with them by your side?” “it’s clearly a problem. you need to stop this before you end up in the hospital stressing yourself out. he’s going to find someone someday and you’re going to find out and then you’re really going to be in a world of pain. what then? just wait it out like a cuck? be his plan B like some sort of ‘sidehoe’? you’re really a fucking disappointment and to think that you’re worth anything to anyone, now or in the future, is a fucking stretch.”

its shit like this that just happens constantly…the internal monologue i seem to have with myself is nonstop. always thinking. always churning out ideas…always creating excuses and answers, even if they’re not always right.

i guess here’s to having a better life with deerboi. im confident i’ve fucked this up or i will fuck it up if i havent already. i keep wishing and hoping as if it changes my odds, but if everything does line up with the 0.000001% chance I *may* have, well, those are better odds then i usually have, and im willing to take that.

id much rather take a minuscule chance at being able to lay by someone’s side and let them talk all night about themselves then continue to live in pain and suffering that i continue to place on myself.

this has to be some form of mental illness…