well, something happened last night. i noticed that with me doing a bit more work out of the house (doordashing, playing pokemon go with friends, etc.) I seem to be doing better…then combined with instead of watching the pronz, thinking naughty thoughts about a special someone, it improves uh…that side of me there. not as depressed, not constantly looking to do it again and again, and the satisfaction is a lot higher.

the issue is, while its all good that some things are improving, it doesn’t mean that anything outside of me has improved. i still have a (figurative) tank barrel pointed straight at me, waiting to go off with what I still continue to push. i want to push to be deerboi’s partner in crime someday. i want to push to be someone better. i want to push to have a complete life. and I know we cant always get what we want…but I’m also not going to stand back and just give up at the slightest hint of error, failure, or effort that needs to be put in.

yesterday, I ended up sending a big ass paragraph to deerboi. towards the time I was feeling really good. i explained to him how I felt and what I fear and all the other jazz. i started by telling him how I thought about him. how absolutely fucking stunning he really is. then explained how I can be too much…which I fear I’m going to push him over the edge with this and have him hate me. turn it into something where he’s either afraid of me because he thinks I’m going to do something stupid or where he has it out for me because I’ve pissed him off too much…then I told him all the thoughts and day dreams I get. just as I got the other day…and the thousands of other nights before. the day dreams of being complete, being a wonderful couple, going on adventures, improving each other’s lives…

and I explained a bit too on why I keep coming back. why I keep trying to open up to him and explain it all…which I am still very much confused on this part…but its like no matter what happens and no matter how I feel, I eventually just feel comfortable with him. i feel almost..safe? that its going to be okay? I know we have yet to meet up and maybe its just more false hopes…but its not something I casually get with everyone. the feeling of knowing that it’s all going to be okay if you just hold out is something I yearn very much for…mostly because it never feels that way. constantly making errors in judgement, my actions, and waking up to thinking that this could be my last day under the roof I pay for because I made one wrong move…

i do very much live in fear of failure and mistakes. i constantly push myself to try and get my ass out of bed to get shit done and help others and improve where I can. i always have this thought in the back of my mind that I’m not trying hard enough, that I’m just moments away from being fired, or that I’m going to lose it all soon. i haven’t quite identified where it’s all coming from, but being told for a few years that you’re not trying hard enough, you’re not good enough, being pushed to the edge of where you don’t care and you just wish to kill yourself, and living in the fear that you’ve failed those around you…that’s probably a start. not to mention the “oh those arent your real feelings, you’re faking it”. so much history there…and it’s another reason I choose to live on my own and not around my family…

anyways, I continued to tell him I keep it in the back of my mind to always save what I can for him…for us…to travel to one another’s city and have a good time with no worries in the world…learning more about each other, going out for sushi, whatever it may be…as long as I get to spend in-person time with him. don’t get me wrong, I love talking to him over our calls and listening to his voice or texting him…but I want to be closer with him. i want to be right beside him and watch his face light up when he talks about making more synth music or how he wants to collect more retro stuff like game consoles and rare game cartridges and whatever else makes him happy… I want to be the one to sit right in his lap and be able to know that this gift I’m about to give him on christmas/birthday/whatever is going to be one he wont forget.

and then I kinda opened up more about why I hadn’t been talking and my thoughts on us getting frisky…it is fun and all but at the end of the day…I just really don’t want to send nudes to him or anyone for that matter if its just nothing more then a quick fuck. as shitty as it really has been with each time I’ve tried that…it has given me enough info and bad memories that I know exactly what I want. i don’t want any of this group shit and being railed by 27 guys…i want one partner that we can both share each others interests, kinks, and whatever else all in the bedroom…and only in the bedroom for that matter…

which, he knows that full and well. at least keeping it in the bedroom. I’ve already explained to him what Kaizen had really pushed on, wearing skirts and such in public, being overly flamboyant, pushing your sexual orientation on everyone…all of that drove me nuts with Kaizen. And I let it happen. all because I wanted Kaizen to be happy, not realizing that it was more instead him turning into something disgusting…

i don’t belive I touched on this but probably a good sidenote…I did see Kaizen in person as of recent. and its getting worse. see, when we originally met, I remember we had our first hangout at Anitone Peaks. we sat in the snow…I sat in his lap, and we watched the snow fall as we heard absolutely nothing. the snow covered any nearby sounds and it was as if there was nothing else for miles around us. Kaizen was…normal? its a bad way to say it but he was still in high school/running start. he always had long hair but kept himself somewhat I guess…professional? i cant explain it but basically the average person knows not to go out in a tiny dress with no shirt on or a shirt that pops their tits out, I don’t remember the term for it but basically being viewable in the public eye.

now when we both started messing around with our styles, we began just wearing thigh highs. i kept mine on only really around him when we were in private. i did wear them in public sometimes but even then, I kept them hidden. then, he started getting into skirts. it was a turn on for me…but a slippery slope for him. he eventually would wear them in public and I expressed several times how I don’t feel comfortable with him doing that, but he always exclaimed it made him feel better about himself or he was “crushing gender norms” or some other bullshit. then, when he got into his new college, it got exponentially worse.

he began pole dancing and I continued to tell him I wasn’t a huge fan of it. like sure, go and do something you’re passionate about, but this is one of those few things that’s purely erotic. there’s nothing else about it. then he began getting pride flags and hanging them in his room.

actually, I’m having trouble recalling which came first. I’ll explain both instances but it looks like these datablocks are slightly bad…heh, cOmMoN pRoToGeN pRoBlEmS, gOtTa DeFrAg My BrAiN…anyways,

OC1) when he was at his new college after HS graduation, it wasn’t originally the one he wanted. he wanted to go to the one on the other side of the state. for privacy reasons, I wont explain where or anything, the people who need to know already know…but he ended up actually crying about it and I understood. it was bullshit. he was top of his class and couldn’t get into a perfect school for him, most likely because that same college is a sack of woke shit. but when he got to his previous uni, or now new college, he had began pole dancing and doing it almost a few times a week. i told him i didn’t want him to keep doing that, it felt wrong, and it’s purely erotic. there’s nothing really else to it. he told me that isn’t true, that’s just what everyone else thinks, yada yada excuses and bullshit. i knew it was excuses and really just brainwashing when originally, we were a couple that while at the time i had expressed some “group” stuff in the bedroom, he was strictly against it. but then when i jokingly asked if he was going to go pole dance at a gay bar, he said he would absolutely and he wants all the guys looking at him and basically all the attention…which also further proved my point on him having to be an attention whore. that stuck with me since and i really only suspect him to get worse…possibly going down the route of group sex or just being a whore.

OC2) when he moved for the summer for his job to the other side of the state, i drove down mid-summer to see him. i was not a fan of that city and while it probably is an over-exaggaration of fear (which i am happy to say i have now taken care of), i was fearful that we would get jumped, one of us was going to get stabbed or shot, or something far worse. i just swallowed my fear and drove down there with my dog. made sure both of us had food and water and we stayed down for about a week i believe. now this is after Kaizen had thrown my dog against the wall, trying to push him off the bed. i understand he’s a hairy little shit and sheds a lot and i wouldn’t mind cleaning his fur before we left, but Kaizen also had just really wanted to keep my dog in the kennel the entire trip there. there was some moments he wanted him to be out or when we went on walks…but it was almost as if he looked at my dog more as a trophy to say “look at what I have” rather then treating him like an actual dog…maybe I’m “too attached” to him but I prefer to take doggo wherever I can. i know he cant always come with but he still needs to explore and be out of the house as much as I do. he still needs to be taken care of, played with, and loved. not to be used like some trophy child. this was also around the time that Kaizen began hanging pride flags in his room…which sure whatever, nothing to think on, but he began trying to explain it was to show that “LGBTQ people need rights too”…which made no sense.

OC2, when i left back home, was around the time that it was final. we broke it off, he said he didn’t really love me anymore and could tell i was distant, and all that jazz. regardless, a lot of it has still stuck with me. the pole dancing i really don’t like, which as stupid as it sounds, i seem to now just block it out naturally. movies, games, whatever it may be i either completely forget about the scene, or i stop playing them. like Deus Ex, one of my most favorite game series, I’m partway through on my PS4 and stuck on a level in which i stormed the mob headquarters. partway through that level there’s strippers all on their poles on the second floor and yeah, ever since i kept dying a few times, i stopped playing that and just forgot about it. or if we really want to get ridiculous, i cant watch one of my favorite online series, Helluva Boss, because i end up zoning out and just blocking it all…something Kaizen and I liked to watch a lot. how wonderful to be a fucking pussy, right?

anyways, making progress with some of it but still working out a lot. looping back into the stuff with deerboi though, I explained to him as well that I know he said it “had to be an open relationship” if its long distance and I understand a bit of what he’s trying to do. he’s horny, he wants to try lots of different things. and i certainly cant fault him for that. i mean shit, look at me. I’ve gone to a gay sex club, I’ve slept with several guys now, and while i most certainly regret it and honestly wish i never had interest in any of it in the first place, on the bright side, i got it out of my system. i don’t have an interest in doing any of it. i just want a partner that we can both have some fun.

and i ended the first big ass message with wanting him to draw. i took a look at his feed from his art drawings and noticed he hadn’t posted in quite some time…come to think of it, maybe i should see if he can do a proot.

then, of course, i had to tell him i love to daydream about kissing his soft lips. which it’s true. i like to think about coming home or walking into the bedroom, shushing him, and sitting right on his lap while i wrap my arms around him and kiss the hell out of him.

i believe i touched on this earlier but i also explained too that I’m fearful of losing someone else to propaganda and this brainwashing shit. how apparently there’s 1295352 genders, everyone’s gotta use one bathroom to be “inclusive”, and all this other garbage. he’s absolutely amazing, i don’t want to watch him fall down the same path the rest of those I’ve seen go down.

at this point, I’ve accepted I’m probably going to lose him. I’ve just come to terms with realizing that sometimes, we don’t get what we want or need in life, and we have to adapt to whatever we are given. but given that I’ve gotten mixed signals from him, if there’s any chance that I can help him, be his partner, and love him forever, I’m taking that chance. Even if its the death of me. from my experiences and some of the things i can see resemble what i used to be…in him (does that make sense?), i would much rather give him the advice i was missing when i was in his shoes then let him fall, get hurt, or…worse.

i get it. i should back off. i should just give up on love and forget about it all. I’m not worth anything and just about everyone is out of my league with what I’ve done in my past. not only that but my mental retardation that stops me from actually letting go of certain things, really i shouldn’t just be close to people. at all. but its a chance to improve everything. its a chance to be happy and make someone else happy. its a chance to give someone the opportunity to grow and potentially even be better then I ever could of been.

I truly hope that he does say yes to me someday…but the fear of being rejected and being hurt again constantly repeats in my head. I just hope that its a false fear. something that wont happen…

edit: I don’t usually do this but I wanted to add this more for personal data analysis – first) happened again. sudden burst of happiness and serenity combined with thoughts about us walking and holding hands through the mall on the northside. have to remember to keep my emotions in check…very good chance I’m going to get a curveball to the face if I keep expecting what I want only to be hurt when I don’t expect to hear “no”. ugh, being human sucks sometimes…maybe I need an autism test? do I have abandonment issues? shit, I cant even let go of anyone until they backstab me or I hate them…

edit 2: retarded as fuck, I am. need to emphasize that those messages sent to deerboi earlier are scheduled. big paragraph is set for 0814 on 06/26/2023, then 0815 for two messages and 0816 for another two…5 in total. goddamn I’m fucking annoying. but yet I cant seem to control it when I want????