messages sent this morning…its 1827 and he still has yet to read them. it makes me anxious but I still feel really good about it.

which…also worries me.

patience and persistence gets you a lot of things. knowing what to do adds to that. but sometimes, you don’t always want one or the other in the full “equation” of whatever you’re doing. take for example a high interest job. many people may want that specific job, they may want that role, that pay, whatever it may be. its competitive. in that case, you don’t want patience nessicarly, you want persistence and the knowledge to get that job done.

with love, its a balance between everything. love is kind. love is patience. love may take some time to grow or it may start off with a head start. however, it requires a lot of special care. don’t expect to just water it all the time and it continues to grow. for example, roses. roses are very picky about growing, when they do, how much water they need, and a lot of the time need fertilizer to stay vibrant and strong. lacking one or the other may yield you a smaller rosebush…or a dead one.

i need to understand how to be happy. being happy with myself as well as with a significant other. i think I’m starting to get the hang of doing it by myself – I just need to eat a bit better and get out some more. that also comes with the understanding of if its not meant to be. i don’t exactly think everyone understands this and I’m sure I don’t, but what I have come to realize is that if you and your S/O have broken up, your crush doesn’t care for you, or whatever it is in love just doesn’t work out – it wasn’t meant to be. somewhere in that relationship, someone or something had interrupted the ongoing construction of one life together.

there can be a lot of factors to it. for example, with Kaizen, I really did think he was the one…originally. this was while we were in high school and things played out well. he was kind, he seemed to do his best to love me, and he was always out and about – adventuring. him going on hikes and always doing smoothies helped me in a way. made me realize how much I really do like getting out and kinda set me back on the path to keeping care of myself in diet and exercise. but it wasn’t until I began working and doing things on my own that I really began to see who he truly was. he always insisted I have to get this and this and this from the store even though the first few months I moved in, I literally had 0$ in my account. by the time I paid rent and bills, I had nothing.

then, it became an issue when we went to my grandparents place. he insisted on getting food even though my aunt was halfway through cooking dinner. that night, I was fed up with him. I was annoyed, pissed, and disgusted that he thought that was okay. it was only from this point on that I really began to see he was spoiled growing up. i decided we should take a break and I took him home since it was winter break and he planned on staying with me through it. then I thought to myself that maybe I was just a little too much and tried again. i tried to make it work.

was it all Kaizens fault? no. do I think he’s going to be successful in future relationships? not without the other one sacrificing their entire life to orbit around Kaizen. i can say that I wasn’t perfect myself. i didn’t show emotions a lot because I didn’t feel the need to. he never really cared much about how I felt, he seemed to try but it was always “oh you should just get help”. i try to do better now by being a bit more relaxed about it and just letting go…being myself per say. if you don’t like it, not my problem. still then, I don’t like to show it because it doesn’t benefit me a lot. i go many days on just not processing emotion. no thoughts, no happy/sad, nothing. just stick to being neutral and let the day go by to do your things.

through the fortunate yet unfortunate fall of Kaizen’s and I’s relationship, I’ve learned a lot about how I can do better. I’ve learned what I can do to show whoever it may be as an S/O that I care, that they should be able to trust me, that they should feel welcomed and warm and always have a safe place to be in. when they’re home, they should be able to relax and I should be able to listen and vice versa. it doesn’t mean things wont be perfect and there wont be arguments, but I shouldn’t just completely forget the previous relationship either. something I’m always a fan of is learning from failures. breaking apart everything from start to finish to build something better.

i truly hope and wish that deerboi says yes. not to a relationship – but giving it a chance. having him feel okay to come down or I go down there and we just take a week off to talk to each other all night long, grow, and see where it takes us. i don’t want to force anything, but holy fuck I will fight to the end of my days for him if I can be his someday.

something something cheers to a better life with a better person…no that sounds bad. amazing person doesn’t roll off the tongue though.

i dunno. cheers to something good