something’s wrong, like really wrong.

to touch a bit here – i had fucked up some shit on this node so i gave up for a bit since i was feeling better and just now got back in. some retard using proton vpn kept trying to lock me out, too bad i know a thing or two about script kiddie children. (bite me you little shit)

anyway, i’ve gotten over kaizen. i had some time recently where i no longer loved him. i don’t know that i ever did love him. but the fire in my heart that wanted to put him 6 feet under was more then I had thought I had. i trusted him for 2 years to be my partner by my side, yet it was always about him. we had to do what he wanted. we had to always listen to him and he was always right. god forbid i had two cents to add to the conversation. that’s on top of his family being…interesting. they’re either annoying as shit or dont do much. kaizen is just another one. shallow, arrogant, self-centered, and isnt even self aware. finally, recently, i got over that. don’t get me wrong, i wont pass up a chance to deck him in the face…but i cant let that control me and get to me.

since then, i was doing better. i was feeling genuinely happy, performing better, and getting shit done. still some laziness i gotta work on but for the most part, i was doing better.

what has been sitting in the back of my mind however is deerboi. he’s perfect. as i’ve said before, almost too perfect. he’s cute and definitely has the looks, he’s into the retro stuffs, and as much as he apologies for it i love hearing him talking nonstop about the stuff he loves. i encourage him whenever i get the chance to do better and i try to offer him any tools i can. i still dont know if he’s even attracted to me and ive started to get the feeling he’s not, but never-the-less i try to make something out of it. i want to go on dates with him, i want to talk to him all night long, i want to have days and nights ill never forget with him by my side.

something i always remember is love is patient. love is kind. it nurtures and is always worth it. it has no value because its limitless. its not something you can just pack up and sell. and i think i was trying to search for just that for so long. between the breakup with my ex gf and Kaizen who wasnt always there…i made the mistake of adultry and “paying for bitches and hoes” to but it plainly. its disgusting. it is horrible and i hate that i do that every day. i really wish there was some sort of switch or something i can control this all. but there doesnt seem to be, it just becomes a battle. all of the last few weeks my sex drive went way down from 3-4 times a day (being a lardass, very productive /s) to maybe once a day.

it was nice. i actually didnt notice it for a while. too focused on driving around town for doordash and trying to still get paid for my main job and pick up extra dough (if my car’s water pump doesn’t eat it). but then about two days ago, woke up on my office floor (havent been able to sleep in bed, i keep it 60F but i was waking up overheating and sweating for some reason) and it was like my chemistry in my head went full reverse. i felt really odd at first waking up, like i was in a different but similar reality. then i noticed i didnt have as much of an attraction towards my usual…uh…guys. started becoming the opposing sex. then…more memories and thoughts were coming in about my ex gf. fucking again. it was about the equivalent of someone coming up to me and putting a flashbang in my face.

then my sex drive shot up. right back to where it was, about 2-3 times last couple of days. sometimes failure to complete. it’s worrying me a lot because i dont want to be unstable. i want to know who and what i am attracted to. while i dont mind on the emotional and “soul” level who i am, its just a bit more physical for me. i hate it a bit because i’ve never been one thats really about looks (dont mean this in a bad way but she said she looked like prince fucking charming from shrek, but my god she was still stunning. maybe thats why i like men) but at the same time, that seems to be the tipping point of my sexuality.

when it comes to a partner, yes sex is fun. i think it should be often between two people and obv. consensual but it shouldn’t be the only defining thing. it should be something you do after a few dates and when you build a very close bond, when you both think you’re the one, when it feels like nothing else in the world will break you apart. i know i speak to that in hypocrisy but i’ve…i’ve ruined a part of myself doing the opposite so, if anything, learn from my actions. but past that, the bond between two people is the most important. you both should speak to each other about how you feel. if one of you doesn’t know how to help the other one, ask. ask what you want from them, how can you help, and if they need anything. don’t ever put them down, don’t invalidate their emotions, and don’t play games.

the thing with invalidation as well is, humans are very emotional. it sucks a bit but it makes things interesting too. while someone may blow things out of the water (unfortunately a very bad habit of mine), don’t tell them that they’re overreacting. let them know instead that it may not be all that bad and to look at the brighter side of things. tell them how it could play out (and be realistic) because when I had a lot of issues where i always felt like shit and like i wasnt ever good enough, a lot of it from Kaizen was just “well do better”. he wasnt wrong but he never learned how to properly approach that situation. you let them know what they’re good at, but then where they can go from there. its hard to see sometimes when you’re always surrounded by bad situations what good things can be made from an event.

and as always too, adapt and learn about your partner. not just things like their favorite food and color, but how they react and what fits them. learn common habits and ways that you can talk to them if shit goes down. when you’re a sobbing mess, you’re going to end up being a rubiks cube to solve and get back up sometimes. on the other end of things, when you are that sobbing mess, make it a habit to keep yourself calm and collected. don’t immediately process your emotions but think about them. is it something to be concerned about? is it a priority? can I do with another choice? having such power over your emotions and how you can control them not only will help you in your relationships, but also in a professional manner and may just even help to keep you happy. there’s far too many small things that get to people that it’s just not worth it.

when it comes to what i desire in a partner, i daydream about it. i want to be able to take them across places that i go to, for work or for vaca. i want to be able to hold them or have them hold me at night, and i also want to be able to always be the one they talk to. they should be open to new things like if we went strolling through the city at night to find something to do (not crack) if we’ve been inside all day or planning a hiking trip in a town we’ve never been to. i’d much more prefer someone whos a bit more reserved like I am and isnt a party-goer. being at that tailgate party where Kaizen was talking to everyone he knew but yet I kinda just sat there…that was probably one of the worst moments for me. super uncomfortable, Kaizen knows all these random people, and everyone’s just a mess drinking and shit. I can’t stand that.

while i am pretty against drinking and smoking myself, its not an end all be all. most of it is because i have seen far too many times someone will go down the wrong path doing shit too much whether its alcohol and wasting their life away always drunk, or its someone smoking pot like no tomorrow. sure, pot may not be physically dangerous in a way that something like meth or heroin could be, but its a psychological thing (much like everything today) that can take a person to a place they may have never felt and are wasting their money to always still be there. to each their own though.

i just really hate to be unstable like this. i don’t like that whatever has occurred has fluctuated so much that its causing this much of a problem. i was actually debating on whether or not i am even a phag. i’ve taken it in the ass, sure, but do i change teams now and go search for a nice gal to be my bride someday? or do i search for a cute guy who matches my style and could be my partner in crime for eternity?

dont know. hopefully this stops soon…and i hate to lead on or break deerboi’s heart. i want to be dedicated to him and him only. i know we aren’t a thing but i also don’t want to be that person that is dating like 5 people at once “to see who’s legit and not”. i’m not my mother. im not letting this shit fly, i’ve gotta learn to be better.