been some time since ive been back here, which is good.

system shows better results, im actually for the most part sleeping and waking up on time, taking care of things more, and overall just feeling a lot better about myself. some of it was confidence and building that up, some of it was simply just breaking a habit of being a piece of shit for years, and some of it was just coming to terms with things I was still holding onto.

i keep chewing on my nails, i seem to be overly anxious or nervous. i usually cant tell otherwise.

but all has been well with deerboi. we’ve been talking a lot, having a good time, and ive been poking at him from time to time to see when and if he’s actually going to help make this irl thing come true. ive told him before and ill tell him again, i dont care what it takes, even if it means flying out to his place and meeting his parents just to see him and make a lasting impression, i will do it.

i think ive also broken that constant loop of wanting to do these sketchy parlors and trying to do quick hookups with people. i no longer yearn just to put my dick in something, but for an actual relationship more then ever. something now where i know ill be fine without it, but it would be better with someone. im still not 100% sure on deerboi, part of that is if he wants to put in the effort and have to possibly break a few “walls” persay to make this all happen, but just overall i feel myself becoming who i used to truly be. someone passionate for entrepreneurship, engineering, coding, and so much more. wanting to master all, experience so much, and travel to places to learn more.

my interest in learning and doing more has exponentially grown, from being a bit of a lazy pos to actually digging into a lot of things and even now going on regular walks with the dog. something i used to do first moving here and slowly got away from, especially with kaizen being a fucking leech and always wanting shit his way. alas, im an adult and i am single. while such can be a curse, it can also be a blessing. i wont be sleeping around and i will be doing better, but ill be using this time while i can to push harder to form a future i want. i can dedicate more time to my projects and passions and later on leave more time to focus on an S/O, should I have one in the future.

problem is right now, more sensory…feels(?) seem to be coming in. every once in a while ill be doing something and something will remind me of…her. how she once used to be, a long lost shell of her former self. someone more pure, kind-hearted, and less of just someone who would brainlessly follow whatever. it seems to be at random, nothing leading up to it and nothing is really in my apartment that would remind me of her. its almost like some sort of organic malfunction, i’ll just be cleaning house or rummaging through my electronic parts and all of a sudden i might get an odd smell…one that would be of what her room was. nothing bad but…really odd i am getting this now out of how many years? we got together in November 2018 if i recall correctly and ended it after she moved to PA sometime before covid…so 2019ish? and this is 2023 as of writing, so almost 4ish years? makes no sense to me.

it did take me a while to shake all of the memories and everything we had. im wondering if i instead just detached my emotions from them instead of just forgetting it all entirely. i still get occasional dreams now, that or i can actually remember them. either way, its like something keeps telling me shes coming back and whatever the hell it is, i know its wrong. i know she’s not going to be the same person i wanted to keep for life all those years ago. while she may not see reality, she wont magically change back to the wonderful, beautiful, creative, and passionate woman she once was.

seems that im still in love with the idea of someone who’s long gone, more to put myself at ease i assume…fuckin humans and their weird human shit.