thoughts are getting worse, more common, more…odd, and not sitting well with me.

im coming across the same questions again. the same thoughts. i’ve been here before and i know it. something is wrong, something is reminding me for some reason…pulling me into the same state i was before. i’m better than what i used to be. i know better than to do stupid shit like text her again. make more romance letters. get shot down over and over again. what the fuck is going on? why can’t i keep myself together?

for the love of God why can’t I fucking keep my shit together, in private or public?

i want to be better. i want to push myself to new heights, show those who betrayed me that i know my shit. not that i am better than them, but that they should know better than to doubt someone who’s committed to their ideas. their thoughts of building a better future. its not some hopeless idea, its not some brilliant 4 year old’s scheme to rule the world, it’s the thought and commitment to bring together a world with less combativeness, less bullshit, more straight to the point ideologies. instead of mentally ill people running around the streets with their dicks cut off, crime sky high, and problems out the ass…something that anyone can look back on and say that they’re proud to be a part of it.

no, not socialism.

the american dream, but better. our ancestors were committed to the idea of conquering lands near and afar. building an empire that was better than their previous rulers. doing something so insane, something that couldn’t be just an idea you had one day, but instead one that was from being pushed too far. seeing too much shit go down, too many lost battles, incidents in which those who were innocent were punished, opportunities from those seeking better simply ripped from them…

its happening as we speak today. while everyone has this idea that its this or that, the whole plan (persay) is to keep you hooked on fighting with one another. keep the idea of being free to be you, free to uphold your human rights, and free to create, invent, and innovate down.

im dedicated to bringing a future that stops just that. something that invites more jobs, carrers, opportunities to those who truly should receive one and will get back up when knocked down.

something that brings back morale and spirit to everyone.

…well, with that out of the way (and you’re probably thinking i wear a tinfoil hat, which is understandable but i prefer steel plated box helmets), what and who the fuck am i on about again.

2018. young and dumb in high school. i dont recall what year of HS I was in, maybe second year. an adorable miss with blonde hair caught my attention during a play I had to attend if I wanted extra credit in ELA (which, at the time I was not the best at. I shit you not, once my ELA teacher told me something along the lines of think of it like code in a machine, everything clicked and lined up and it just became way too easy for me. ELA since then has become one of those subjects i hate but i’ve always exceeded in. also big props to both ELA teachers in my HS years). She was friends with one of my other buddies that T-posed on his roof with me while wearing a bike helmet “WE ARE THE BUBONIC PLAGUE”. I would not be surprised if either of us guys were supposed to be on the short bus, but that’s for another story.

Anyways, she caught my eye and even to this day thinking about it, she was one of the most beautiful misses I could of laid my eyes on. Im not getting into specifics into the physicals but she had an adorable laugh, a creative mind, and was a bit I guess…matching with my personality? I don’t know how to put it but a lot of times we would both like weird things like vaporwave or old music. I recall at one point that we both shared a Spotify playlist full of our music, mostly classic rock. And oh boy did she love her Queen tracks. While I don’t think I have the “old” one we both had (I recall her un-linking her profile from the playlist some time after we stopped talking), I still have most of it. It’s been transferred over to my other platform now though.

As for how we originally got together, I probably couldn’t of been worse at it. I recall us walking around the SV mall, talking and chatting. That would be one of the many memory points I would have, more on that later. My memory has not been kind to me so while I am unfamiliar with what exactly was said and what had occurred, I do recall us saying we would both be thinking on getting together. All night I had her on my mind. How wonderful her smile was, how cute she was with glasses, just so much going on. It was my first transition to a relationship I was actually not fumbling like hell.

The next day was unbelievable. I think, if my memory serves me right, I woke up and immediately texted her. I asked what she was thinking about it…and she said yes. It was like I won the lottery. I most certainly wasn’t going to try and fuck this up, I would do my best to always make sure she was okay and happy. I’d put her first, even though that in hindsight was a stupid thing to do. Even if I still had her by my side now (this really goes for everyone/any partner), she shouldn’t be first. It’s not selfish to make sure that YOU are taken care of first. I constantly thought she had to come first. She should be the one that’s happy and I need to make sure of that, no matter if it’s at the compromise of me.

I was a stubborn little shit (and still am, but better about it I think?) and never really thought that way. I never cared to keep care of myself, especially with what was going on between that witch and her asshole in crime fighting with my father over parental rights between myself and my little bro. I showered, usually made sure to shave, did my usual cleaning but if I was upset, I kept that shit in. It didn’t matter what was going on or anything, I think there was only a couple times I had actually told her what was wrong with me during active…problems.

(Adding this after writing the below paragraph) I recall just at the time that we started our relationship, a pet companion of hers had passed. Chip I believed the little bird’s name was. I believe it was a Finch, although my memory is very vague about the bird. I unfortunately never saw him in person, but I do recall the name as this was a family name that was known…

Anyways, trying to keep this in a organized timeframe manner if you will here, we had fun. Not the XXX type of fun but we enjoyed each other’s company. We enjoyed talking, cuddling on the couch, watching a totally legit movie of Bohemian Rhapsody and then a movie on Chernobyl. Chernobyl was a bit more fictional if I recall, it was on Netflix and a little cheesy, but I adored the time I spent with her. I vaguely recall just barely falling asleep at her side, trying to stay awake and she had noticed that my arm kept falling off of her as I had it wrapped around her from behind.

As time went on, I would always try to come over to her place and we would do stuff together. Sometimes we would walk around the mall, sometimes we stayed at her place and tried to do school work (albeit, mostly failed), and even at one point we went to an Orchestra concert together. Not a school one, but one a bit more professional. I recall her beautiful dress…and that I had to make a creepy photo on her phone and post it to her Snap story. Made first impressions with her older sisters which made things a bit more interesting. In a good way. I think…

We did have our moments however…one of the big ones I recall is when she had traveled to Italy. It was probably one of my worst times more because of how I chose to be an asshat. I don’t recall much from that week as I think I stayed up for some 3-4 days straight, but I do recall being in the other house for a while. Or maybe I had already been there by the time we were dating. Not sure. Either way, we had a bit of a fight that I don’t really recall what it was even about but I do remember being a big dick to her. Not one of my proudest moments and if I had the chance to do it over again, I probably would.

She had been given the gift of a week-long trip to Italy as I believe it was some birthday gift? The memories and images I do recall being absolutely beautiful. One of the images she took stuck pretty well in my mind that it seems to be pretty vivid as if it was yesterday, even today…her selfie in glasses with a window-like structure behind her out in the open with a blue sky and a purple/pink filter. And that damned smile. I do remember that it was one of her best times of her life.

When she came back, I believe it was about a month past her trip is when our Russian teacher, The Knight we will call him (wonder if I still have that video, was it “Khla-shna-kova” he said?), announced he would be holding a trip to head to RU. Russian class was another one of the many ways in which we both stayed in touch and also started to bond. We shared a Russian period for quite some time, which also might play into why I love Russian culture and learning about it so much…the language was a bit more of a pain in the ass for me for some reason.

I always struggled during that class. I didn’t hate it. I looked forward to spending time in there each time, although I was an asshole in the beginning and would not shut the fuck up. It was a few months into that class where something clicked with me. Part of one of the big class projects was not only learning the Russian language and the Cyrillic alphabet, but learning about the culture and history of Russia such as tzars of certain eras and the music/entertainment around those times. It was beautiful. Something I always even love to learn about to this day. I’ve tried to pick up Russian again as a language in Duolingo here and there but I just can’t get it to stick in my head. It drives me insane.

She wanted to take that trip to Russia though, both her and I. It was something we wanted to do as a couple, although probably a bad idea to now. I was then gifted the money to take that trip and I wanted to work towards getting her a slot as well. It was a long shot for me, given I had no job yet and I had no way to make 5k easy. As time went on, I was presented with a troublesome situation…

She was to move…again…to the other side of the state.

She had talked about before how she wasn’t fond of her mother always moving her around. If I recall correctly, it was only within the state, but it was always every few years. She had never kept around the same friend group, always relying on her sisters to really have a deep connection with. I wasn’t fond of that myself, but at least she had someone to talk to despite being pulled around the state like some sort of purse dog.

Right before her move, she had decided she was going to separate from me. It was understandable, having a long range companionship at our age wasn’t exactly going to work, but we talked and decided that if we were to cross paths again, then maybe…just maybe, we were meant to be. Maybe that’s what sits in the back of my mind. Taunting me as if to tell me if I had shut my mouth and acted a little better, I could of kept her. I could of had her by my side, in a lovely home, taking trips and taking care of her. I don’t know.

I do know I certainly made a mistake not processing our breakup and moving onto that asshole I dared to call “hubby”.

I’m not even sure if anything were to change, aside from maybe not being booted out of my father’s house.

I’m still not even sure about who I am. Who I want. What I want. I know it’s definitely refined and while I feel attracted to deerboi, something still yearns for what her and I had. Its hard to explain, it’s companionship that feels so deep…so natural. I’m not even really sure if I am going to have a homo relationship in the future, or really any relationship.

See, I worry a lot about the future. I always have. I always try to plan my steps accordingly…most of the time. Each move I make is one that’s been thought out through a million different thoughts about what could happen. What could happen from that first step all the way to the end. At the moment, I feel torn apart. I don’t feel as bad as I used to, walking around town and looking up at the sky as if to ask for an answer. I recall all the breakup shit with her catching up with me when I finally got out of the house and moved into my first place. I could settle down a bit and actually listen to myself think. I wasn’t constantly working or being ordered around or doing this and that.

I had room to breathe and think.

And that was the problem. It was a curse and yet a blessing. That same time I moved out is when I really started thinking things through. It’s when Kaizen and I had issues because Kaizen was an immature cunt who I really want to deck (officer, my therapist said I was allowed to do it as a part of my 3 step therapy program). It’s also around the time that I really thought about the ramifications and just exactly what was going to occur. Where she was going to be someone else’s forever wife. Or now that she has no companion (or hadn’t for a while), and with what she had talked about before, I only would overthink for the worst.

After our breakup, some time down the road, I did confront her about what I began seeing from her. She was becoming something she explicitly told me she didn’t want to become. I feared it would only become worse. She did post our direct messages to her story, which I was not fond of. The direct messages of me confronting her about this and just…ugh. It wasn’t pretty on either side, but damn it I don’t want to just watch someone ruin who they used to be to become something…horrible.

I did make the mistake of contacting her before to…explain my love.

Something that seems to exist towards someone that doesn’t.

I don’t really know what I want to do right now. I still feel attraction like nothing else towards her, but not who she is now. I haven’t felt that way as bad with anyone else. I felt like I had a good companion for a short time with Kaizen and at the moment…it just feels like im FWBs with Deerboi. I haven’t actually felt attraction towards any other female for that matter and at this moment, not even any other guy. Im not sure where I lie with Deerboi or where he lies with me, but the one thing that has stayed the same is that fucking feeling towards her.

I know I couldn’t do it now with her. Even if there was a chance in the world she’d say yes again, it wouldn’t feel the same. At least not without her making some changes, which I don’t really see happening but something in me just hopes that it does. I don’t know why because I know that shit isn’t happening again.

A video that a close friend of mine sent, while I know he didn’t mean it, fucking shot this shit I had with her through the sky again. I thought I dealt with all of it until some weird dream I had recently. It’s a video of Ghost bolting through drywall as the Kool-Aid man during renovations downstairs at my father’s place. Very good video, 10/10, but you can just barely catch her laugh at the end of the video.

During the time that my father and I moved back into his place (fuck you Satan!), we found that his ex-wife had just about trashed a two year old home. The reason why I didn’t put this in the time frame is I am actually not sure when this occurred or where to place it…but what I do recall is drywall needed to come down in the basement. Didn’t matter how, if it meant running through the wall or a sledge. I will say that she (companion of mine at the time, not satan) loved demoing the basement. Kinda hot to watch her go wild with a fucking sledge.

I think that’s all I’ve got for now. I’ve been thinking all of this out and the only conclusion I can come to is that I sound like a fucking freak. I’ve made some really good changes like stopping my energy drink addiction, drinking almost too much water, exercising more, and in some ways I have even improved my mental health (this site being one, in some sort of way screaming at the wide open internet as an “anonymous” and retarded user seems to reduce what’s on my mind). I can’t say for certain but it also seems that my uh…software…has rolled back to a point I would probably consider myself 100% healthy and in excellent condition. No attraction or want to “order pussy”, find guys to screw, or weird shit I tried then. I’m not fond of the fact I did those things…and I really wish I had just gotten the message without ruining myself…but better this then to never get the message at all.

I don’t know if I will find a new companion. Or if she will even come back at all. I…threw away all of what she had given me. Between a pleather jacket she gave me for Christmas to the art she provided me…I had the impression that we were no longer going to be a thing. That we were done, forever. Never to cross paths again. But maybe this is my autism speaking (as it usually does), but something keeps reminding me of her. It hurts to think that if we are going to be a thing again, that I had done that. That I had this entire part of my personal history in which I was a whore. I had fallen so low. That I had ruined myself psychologically.

Dunno. I have more of a chance of winning the lottery while jacking off in the eye of a tornado and getting struck by lightning than to have her come back and for us to be what we used to be, but better…

As the days go by, really wishing I chose that mental ward instead of moving in with my grandparents.