fucked[0] = i find myself zoning out in the shower more often, which i was doing before, around the time of the breakup of Kaizen.

i also find myself saying the same things about her, again.

i also find myself going back to her profile and reading the messages between us.

i keep thinking to myself that i sound like a goddamn freak. someone who’s so mentally unwell and broken that all i have to think on is how i still think someone I havent talked to in over a year is absolutely beautiful.

I can’t think straight right now, everything is a mess. I want to hold her so bad, I keep thinking that someday, just someday she will be back to how she used to be, but better. It’s all just a dream, something that will eventually pass.

But it wont. And I know that, but I can’t come to terms with it.

I was going to write more, but either my sleep aid is stopping me from pulling up my thoughts or the millions of other things going on my mind are messing with me.

I wish things were much simpler. But they aren’t. I don’t have anyone to rescue me, I don’t have anyone to save me, and no one will make me better at the snap of their fingers. It’s not just a one thing I am hung up on…

It’s just life. It’s why I won’t see a therapist or talk to anyone about this. I don’t see a need. They won’t fix my problems, if anything I will probably be told some lie by the therapist. Something to make me feel better short term and ruin me long term.

so fucking tired of everything…just wish I could run away into the forest or something, never to be seen, heard, or remembered again…

fucked[1] = went to bed early, ended up waking up through the night. first by work’s automated systems. the usual midnight ping, forgot to turn on do not disturb.

started recalling some of the things i was going to add onto…more of a general sense of things.

why is it that when it comes to love, we’re just supposed to be ignorant? we should forget whoever we were with before, move on from them, and act like we never met?

i know not everyone does and theres some reasons i could see for it. take for example, Kaizen. he makes my blood boil like no one else. there’s no way i can forget him and that’s because i know if i do, im gonna make another mistake and date someone like him. i shouldn’t be lowering my standards just to find someone. i think that may have been the whole reason we got together in the first place…thinking i need someone by my side at all times and just replacing her for him.

her on the other hand, i can’t forget. i can’t just seem to shake the memories we made. two dumb high school kids but it felt like paradise in the moments. i don’t know what it is about it, what it is about her, the things we did…but just something continues to remind me and repeat over and over. i want her back, but i know that’s never happening. she’s long gone from who she used to be. i don’t even know if she has anything left of what she was. i know it sounds ridiculous, as if someone just replaced her in a way…but thats what it feels like. ever since she moved, she went from being a beautiful and wonderful gal to…someone you’d never think you’d talk to in your life. none of what she looks like or talks about now is who i remember her being…

its just another reason i dont want to date either. i think i just want to be left alone. i’d probably be much better off that way these days, focusing on myself and my projects.

if we take a look at a common part of the last two relationships of mine, they both started out well. probably a normal thing for any relationship right? then the second part. both of them towards the end of the relationship seemed to believe in this nonsense, whether it was this shit with drag queens or socialism. it was as if they were tainted, manipulated into such bullshit.

with Kaizen, he seemed great in the beginning. it was nice going on hikes and talking and all. it wasnt until he moved towards the south of the state (which was only an hour away) when things really started slipping with him. we had a few problems here and there before then, but the statements and things he would ask after he moved unis was a huge red flag.

from “Socialism isnt really good for anyone in reality” to “Yeah I mean I think it should be something we should move to, XYZ has some good points to it.”

or, “Well I understand why you have all these issues, your father seems to exhibit a lot of toxic masculinity”

shit like this felt like a complete 180 from what he used to be and just tells me he’s not thinking for himself. he’s thinking for what everyone wants him to. im not even sure where this toxic masculinity bullshit came from. what was even weirder is that i recall him talking a lot about how his classes at his old uni in regards to bs like this he would laugh at. it made no sense to me.

she was…similar. i recall a memory of us laying on the couch together and her mentioning that if she was to ever become the person she is now, to confront her about it. and so i did…sometime after her move. it became a bit of an argument and i was informed by a close friend that lo and behold our chat was now on her story.