I can safely say that the shit with her is done. And Kaizen. And I think its time that I put both of these stories in their spot, tucked away in a locked chest somewhere in my mind and in my life.

I want to end the bickering I have with these two in my head. The constant thoughts of how either I could of fixed something or just how much one of them may have wasted 1-2 years of my life. While these people most likely wont see this or even see that this is them, considering I keep everything under wraps about this, I guess let it be a final testament. A goodbye to bullshit and a hello to better wisdom.

Kaizen

I had a wonderful time with you in the beginning. Our time together in the snow, cuddled up, looking up at the sky, watching the snowflakes fall. I recall that point very vividly in my mind. It was technically our first date, considering we made love that night.

That, is very much something I wish I had never done.

Not because it was dicks against dicks or anything, but because had I known just how much of a piece of shit you really are, I would of never considered seeing you in the first place. I get it, I had problems and I was working to do better. However, you never helped. You were very, very, shallow. I knew just about everything about you in a week. While I don’t necessarily judge where someone has been before and how they grew up, you definitely show the effects on how you did, persay.

You’re very privileged. Spoiled might I add. The way you seem to think that everything needs to orbit you and what you want and do is ridiculous. Your lack of self awareness or care on what you’re doing to everyone around you is disgusting. Not to mention the fact that I voiced multiple fucking times that this shit with you crossdressing in public made me uncomfortable and i’m sure a few others as well.

Go ahead, get mad at me that I am “transphobic”. That I, how did you put it, “am mad that you are happy for” some whatever bullshit? No, I am not actually. I don’t care about that at all, I am proud to be who I am despite for years being ashamed just for thinking a certain way. It’s not that I have an issue with you and who you choose to be, but that you need to shove it in everyone’s faces. You have no dignity, no respect for anyone around you, and most of all you just do as you please. You’re so goddamn sheltered that you can’t fathom people being upset with you because they don’t want to see a dude in a skirt trying to undermine actual chicks.

I’m absolutely fed up with you. Im tired of the thoughts of just how much you are a POS. While it has died down over time, it’s not something I don’t think about anymore. I constantly think about what I would of changed, how I would of done things differently had I known it was going to be like this. I think about, should it ever occur, that you come back to me, even just to say hi or some shit. All I can think about is decking you.

I wasted a year and a half to two years on you. Thinking we would be perfect. Thinking that none of X, Y, or Z was gonna be an issue, I just had to be open minded. That the night you wanted to be a dick and get food *now* instead of waiting for something my aunt was already 75% of the way through making was simply me just not giving you a chance.

I gave you plenty of chances. I voiced that I was upset with several things about you. You never cared and it slowly grew on me that I had been the problem. That I was doing something wrong, despite me trying my damned hardest to juggle everything and still try to get to you.

I do laugh, because all I see is you going down a path that by the time you realize is too late to turn around, its going to be too late. Our relationship was never going to work out in the first place. You’re too much of a spoiled brat who needs to voice to everyone who he is and what he’s about. Telling me that my issues “stem from my father’s toxic masculinity” tells me everything that I needed to know about you.

Just remember that if I see you again and you come to me, don’t expect it to end well.

Her…no codename here I guess

I have no nickname or anything that wasn’t some “cute babyname” we would give each other…but you’re the only female I had dated so I guess you would know who you are…or something. I don’t know but that’s not the focus.

You were much better. You had given me the world and I tried to do everything I could for you. I feel as though that may be why this keeps coming up here and there, out of the blue, in a random dream, through a random thought, or from some previous memory fragment.

I felt as though I had the entire world and more with you. I had everything I ever wanted and nothing could stop me. Or so I thought.

You told me it was your last time moving. At least that’s what you had been told. And I don’t fault you for not knowing, I never had. I knew it wasn’t your fault in the first place, none of it was in the beginning. You had made your home here finally on one side of the state.

I still adore and look back at some of the memories we made together. I still smile at them, but it pains me to realize that these are memories I can’t ever relive. I can’t go back to that same person and talk to her. She’s lost to time now, lost somewhere between after the move and what I can only imagine was an attempt and trying to keep yourself together.

The weird thing is…I was never really upset with you. There was…a couple times I admit I was probably mad but I guess…how do I put this…I understood in a way. Kaizen (figuratively) threw me to the ground and lets be honest, never wanted anything to do with me. But you. You showed me so much. And it’s as though, I still yearn for that same experience I had. Maybe it was because you had been my “first serious relationship”. I don’t really know.

Something still tells me that you’ll be back. It’s only a matter of time. You’re lost where your at, you don’t know who you are or what you used to be. You’re trying to find yourself.

At least that’s what I seem to keep thinking, even though I know its more then likely not true. Not sure why.

I did discard of the more physical memories we had. I still am iffy about it, I feel as though I never should of done such a thing. But given that it’s been over a year since we actually spoke, I have almost no hope that you’ll be talking to me anytime soon. We’ve both gone our own ways and while I do truly hope you find peace and do better then where you’re at now…it seems as though you’re more content and okay with your current position(position? is that the right term I should use? Dunno).

The leather jacket was the first item you given me, I believe for Christmas. I never asked for anything, especially as I didn’t even have my own job at the time. It was a period in which I was no longer at my mothers/grandmothers making money on the farm but also I hadn’t gotten any real W4 job just yet.

The picture you had given me, the artwork you made for me. It was beautiful. I…kinda wish instead that I had put that into one of my filing cabinets along with some of my other archived items. But maybe it was for the best. I’m not sure.

I’m not a fan of who you are now. I understand you wanted to do your own thing in life and that’s perfectly okay. I know you were one to…experiment persay. That first little event that scared me a bit with your friend and her parents…what was it…party? I’ve grown better now about that. And I do want to apologize for the attachment issues. Those were not okay and I have managed those now.

The last reminder I leave with this is the following image. I do cringe a bit at it now, but it did show just how much of a hot mess I was then. I know you probably recall this, or maybe similar. Not sure why I had this still stored but yeah, here it is.

I do hope you can do better. I know that you’re probably hurting right now, being yanked around and told where you’re going to live every few years. While I am not huge on the physical side of things, it does tell me that you aren’t doing well with who you are now. Taking care of yourself on the inside and coming to terms with things that have happened, being a better person, and getting in the habit of thinking better on the world without stressing over little things will improve how you are on the outside.

I really do miss the gal that I still seem to have memories of, both in my head and on this disk. I’m not sure why or how I have these backups, but I know that she’s most likely not coming back.

I wish you the best and I do hope you do better.

I know this seems to come off as some sort of “funeral” but no, no one died. People change. Some show their true colors as they mature, some are lost to time as they just can’t handle certain life pressures. Their personality changes to adapt to where they are now.

Let it be known from here on forward, these two are not the focus of my life. They are chapters in which I have learned from. I have grown to be better, to adapt, to perform better. And I wish to apply these teachings I have acquired to a relationship I hope becomes true here soon.

I wait for him, for when he’s ready to start. For when we can begin to talk endlessly under the stars about our lives, slowly merging our two journeys in life together, and becoming one. Having a wonderful life, a wonderful journey, and making memories…together.

To the success of Deerboi and I…should it fail, then we will see what happens when we cross that bridge. Not before.