im pretty sure at this point that history is repeating itself. call me emotarded but i genuinely don’t think im meant for a partner. my first one was absolutely amazing until she moved and became something completely different then who i remember. in the couple of times i have talked to her since then, she still seems to kind of be there, but you can tell shes changed a lot…and not in a good way.

my second, well, he was a red flag right out of the door. experimenting became serious and i knew what i wanted, but he wanted to be this attention whore and selfish as hell. and i didnt see it for the longest time. i just thought it would go away or it was me overthinking. now here i am with a hatred for him like no other.

and well, what i wanted to be my third…now hes probably going to college soon. that wont end well. i hope that if he does go, that he doesn’t change for the worse. and if he doesn’t, that he does well. he’s an amazing person but…the fucking shit ive done this year alone and everything i felt, i don’t exactly want to even imagine my future partner taking a dozen dicks from random people who could give a shit less about him, potentially have STDs, or whatever else.

i seem to crave companionship (is that the right word?) like no other. whether or not i want to, its like im always on the lookout. i hate it. i dont want to be anyones companion at this point. i dont want a partner. i just want to be left alone. everyone who i thought would be right for me completely turn south. i want someone compatible, like me in certain ways but not every way. someone who knows how to think for themselves. someone who has a different skill set then i do and we teach each other.

but once again, i have to do everything myself. seems to be the core summary of my life. fed up with how everyone else does certain things that i do it myself because i cant find the right tool, software, whatever.

except you can’t do love yourself.

that didnt seem like proper english but im rolling with it.