forgot to come back to this.

but after the whole thing of whether im gonna find someone and who i look for and blah blah blah…i just dont know if thats gonna happen. and i want to not give a shit at this point. emphasis on the “I want to not” as no matter what i do, i seem to end up going out of control and trying to install these dating apps and shit as if i expect something to come of it.

im not here to screw randy down the road whos 65 years old and probably touches kids. i just want to keep to myself, no sex, no weird fucking clubs, no orgy parties, none of that shit. if i end up in heartache for the rest of my life, id rather have that then another Kaizen in my life. im sure i wont, im sure it’ll be some weird ass “happy edging” where i feel good about someone for a couple months only to get screwed over or think that nothing will come of it or whatever.

as much as i would absolutely love to see deerboi and being together, i dont think he wants that. and i shouldnt force it. so that’s another thing i have to drop and scrub from my memory.

i just dont fucking understand. i dont understand what it is with gay dudes and fucking every other guy they see. i joke about it how “every hole’s a goal” but there’s no way in hell i would make it a pasttime to screw hundreds of dudes. its almost like a maturity thing. i know i felt that way for a while, as if it was something i really wanted, but i was just “misinterpreting” emotions (I feel like theres a medical term for that but im not a doctor so fuck you). it was just loneliness. and when i came to terms with things and that shits just gonna be fucked, it got better.

it wasnt until i really tried to involve myself and almost force myself onto deerboi (or more that’s what it felt like), that i thought i had found happiness. completion. two souls ready to be bound into one life. and it seems once again that i was wrong.

i mean shit, im most certainly not straight, but youre gonna tell me its normal for dudes to screw other dudes? on top of that, screw hundreds, thousands of dudes? then complain when your body obv cant take it or that you want to settle down with a husband?

this whole thing about scams for relationships isnt just a female or male thing. its both sides. and while im not lesbian (??? makes no sense anyways), i think i can take a good guess and say youre gonna find that no matter who you are. male, female, gay, straight, lesbian, or whatever. even if you want to identify as a goddamned half Japanese toothpick that belongs in the CEO of Nintendo’s asshole. its just…irritating and not to mention, odd.

i can’t waste my time trying to find the one and only. im not gonna sit here and act like a workhorse 24/7 either but