im not sure what it is with me as of late. sexual drive is down, which is good…but all this shit going through my mind. that i was the issue with Kaizen – the more I think about it, it seems to be the case…that I am the one digging myself into these holes. that i’m not doing shit for myself to further my career and all this other garbage.

just yesterday, getting into the shower i was thinking to myself that this is all on me. i forced myself upon deerboi because i wanted someone who would just be there for me because i dont open up to people. but why is it his responsibility to do so? why am i thinking like this? since when is it someone elses duty to take care of me? and really, it just furthered my thoughts of i really shouldn’t be with anyone. i shouldnt be searching for a partner, I shouldnt be open, i just need to shut the fuck up and push harder to get things done.

and to be honest, that’s really all it is. pushing myself to get shit done because no one else will do it for me. there’s no sense in opening up to anyone because shit wont get done. there’s no sense in trying to chase down a partner, especially if i find someone who wont be exclusive to me or who will screw me over. i dont mind if theres some stuff i need to do to help them, i feel as if that comes with every relationship – bettering you two together. improving yourselves among the journey you take as a couple. but for me to think in this very…spoiled way persay…is just fucking disgusting.

whatever does come for me, i do deserve. and i’ll take it. it’ll further improve me in some ways, probably at the risk of my confidence and such but i can deal with that later. im more curious as to why i keep putting all this shit on a dream. all that time i was happy because i had lied to myself that i could find someone like me and be with them. i don’t think im thinking of these “future partners” as actual partners, but rather someone i can put a burden on. that shit needs to change. i also need to stop doing this shit where i think its okay to just be lazy and waltz around the house doing fuck all.

i don’t know what’s gotten into me, but its time for some fucking change. i don’t care how bad it hurts, but none of this whore shit, none of this “you will be mine” shit, and really just get my head in the fucking game. or however people say it. self-hatred seems to be my main motivator, i guess its time to channel that back into working.