woke up about 4 in the morning today, was unable to fall back asleep…

my mind begins to run wild without anything to do. If I am trying to fall back asleep, I need something to focus on to begin dreaming. I scan through my memories, my imagination…and the depths below of suppressed things…

I continue to think more and more about Kaizen and I hate it. It fucking scares me what he’s turning into. I don’t understand why this has happened twice now and why people think these routes they take are good. Not only that but it begs the question as well…if hes seeking attention now because he’s lost it somewhere else, what other emotions is he seeking to fill other places? Is he making the same mistakes i am? Why do I care?

Just typing this out seems to present its own issues. I don’t know if I should be in love with anyone anymore. I don’t know if I even deserve love. Ive created so many problems and I can’t hold myself together alone, what makes me think being with someone will make me happy?

I’m due for Vegas soon for work…not a fan of that city but should be interesting for work. I just hope I don’t try any of the gay bathhouse shit or the hookers…I just want to keep my head on straight, go do stuff for work, and come home hopefully in one piece mentally and physically.

I’m also noticing these pauses and interruptions in my thoughts are growing more and more. Its taking me about 10 minutes to get to here because I keep mistyping or zoning out. Whatever is going on is getting worse. I just need to keep it under wraps…

At this point im such a fucking mess. I genuinely don’t believe there’s a way out of this, only a way to stop…ive made too many fuckups and one way trips. I can barely hold onto who I am.

Im having a hard time continuing to write this…going to try to go back to bed…