I have to keep telling myself – its not sex I want, its love. It is not sex I want, it is love.

I continue to think about how I could go to one of these sex clubs in the states. I could swing by outside of my scheduled time to be at my location for work and have the time of my life getting screwed by guys with big dicks and be in a spitroast.

But thats because im losing control. Thats the main reason I’ve fallen for these…disgusting acts.

I hate it. I hate that I have these wants and these kinks for such gross sexual play. I look through the Twitter feed of some of these clubs seeing the fun I could be in…then I begin thinking about what if I saw deerboi on one of these videos.

Id fucking hate myself more…if thats even possible.

I cant do this. I cant let myself fall to these sinful clubs. I’m no Christian or Catholic but from my own experience, there is something to learn from some of those religious books. Im still not so sure about the being gay part, for all I know I’m pushing more against it because im lashing out from pain…but for studies to come out and show that having sex with many people in your lifetime can ruin how you link with a future partner…I dont want that. If I have any chance with someone I love, I want to be the best I can for them and grow with them. I want to be the best partner. The best husband. The best whatever…as long as it means I get to keep my S/O by my side through thick and thin. So long as they have my back.

Then…I try to talk myself into it for some God awful reason. I’m never gonna have a partner, what does it matter if I go to these clubs? I’m basically a goddamned deadbeat. No one could truly love me, I’ve failed twice and each time it turned them into something worse.

Why i talk like that is beyond me. It’s no different then telling an alcoholic “you’ll die sooner or later anyway, another beer can’t hurt!”. So why do I continue to repeat that same phrase?

Not only that, but what if someone sees me and knows the company I’m from? I can only imagine the damage on the PR side as a result from that. A staff member from a company found in the middle of an orgy in a Twitter video going viral…then the damage to friends and family.

I don’t understand why this can’t be as easy as flipping a switch. Why do these problems arise and won’t go away…

Why is it that every day I dive deeper into this fag-o-tron lifestyle that some men so every day, it gets worse.

Why is it that every gay man i seem to meet or talk to or see or whatever…is in this lifestyle? I think I know of two or three out of the many I’ve met that aren’t into this shit.

I really fucking hate this all…I shouldn’t be allowed to be in society. I just want a cabin in the woods with all my engineering and computer shit…

No one to talk to…no one to harm…nothing to fuck up.

Just me, myself, and I….