today has mentally been a shit show.

outside of that, i guess okay. did some stuff with friends before it was rudely interrupted.

in my head though, i need to get shit under control somehow. i dont know how and that’s usually the problem. ive been pretty bad today with my porn usage, which i actually cut out for a full day the other day. when i don’t use that media, i end up with a better day where i only need to do the dirty once. when i end up using NSFW content, that’s when i seem to need to do it a lot more often. i know it drains a lot out of a person, from confidence to energy and everything in between. but the effects it has had on me may be rooted in with other things.

between the issues with kaizen and my “need” to have to be with deerboi, something in between shot me deeper into the realm of sexual-mental issues. as kaizen and i grew further apart, the kinks came up more often. it started with non-monogamy, then cuck shit, humiliation…all without him there. i thought of the worst and i tried to come to terms with it. as the kids put it these days – inhaling pure copium.

but see, as much of a joke as that is, that begs the question…why?

why is this happening now with kaizen? why not her? and why is it that in order for me to try to come to terms with him no longer being mine, i have to fetishize it? is that really what my sexuality comes down to? is that what sexuality is?

there’s far too many questions that throw me for a loop. at the core – sex and the interest of it is for repopulation. reproducing, creating offspring. what happens when you take away that need but leave that feel-good emotion?

well…it seems you get our current world.

a world full of trying to get the next hit of whatever your addiction is. whether it is sex, drugs, gambling, alcohol, or worse…there’s something to fill that void just for a few quick seconds, until you seek for more.

and that’s one of the many fears i have. that this part of me, despite feeling in a way…not 100% with her, is me simply either coping or fetishizing something into some sort of sexuality. if a man lies with another man, the only reason left behind it is bond or to feel good. and that’s to say that two men can bond with each other in such a way that can create a meaningful relationship. im not sure on that part, im no psychologist and i dont have the data to say yay or nay.

don’t get me wrong, with her or kaizen, when i was with them, i would of laid down my life to protect them. when i want to be someone’s partner, i don’t just say it because i think it would be fun, it’s because i’ve thought out a life with them. i think about waking up each day to them, making them breakfast, showing them the world, being there for them through highs and lows, and overall just enjoying things more with them. yet now that these two relationships with two different genders/sexes (same thing retards) have ended, i share almost no love or care for them. they’ve unfortunately also both ended in the same way – they change for the worse and end up in a bad part of the state.

getting back to the point im trying to make – am i even ready to date? will i ever be ready? is there something more awaiting me that i simply need to hold out for? or am i truly broken, left only to be fixed by someone else because i dont know what else to do anymore? is this where i let go of the wheel and im supposed to let someone else come fix me? do i even want to allow that?

i continue each day thinking about deerboi. i want to get his attention, i want him to love me…but i know it’s not going to happen. i don’t want to be a fucking creep…and it really comes down to if it’s simply just me craving to feel again. to feel alive, happy, and well next to someone i love. or maybe at the core…all im looking for is sex.

there’s everything going every which way for me and they all seem to be dead ends in this world of love. no path available, no next turn to make…nothing left.

it hurts so much every day but there’s nothing i can do about it.

the other part of this too is every holiday/event for a while has never really gone well for me. theres at some point i fucked up or something wrong occurred. take this thanksgiving for example…i wouldnt even say its a mistake, i had punished myself and nearly caught a fucking STD going to find some dude to screw. some other holidays were left in ruin after a family predicament. others, simply just not worth it anymore.

i’ve got my birth date coming up and im not happy to celebrate it at all. if anything, i don’t want to be of drinking age. it opens more possibilities for me to fall ill to another addiction. something that could be far worse for me. not only that but i hate the attention towards me. i get it, i’ve turned another year, but what’s so damn special about it?

i hate myself and what ive become. there’s nothing to celebrate there…maybe i need to just find work to do so i don’t bother myself with it…something to reduce the focus on me….