ive had a good last few days, it should be interesting to see how they continue to play out given my issues curving up and down like a roller coaster

first, the dreams that have been occurring…first it was her, then it was Kaizen, then some other shit. and then i tried on a new sweater i got and i swear the entire day it smelled as if i was still holding Kaizen. as much as i hate him now, it seemed to calm me down and bring more peace…yet i still wanted to put him in the fucking ground.

but next then, also having lots of motivational issues. they seem to be at random but playing games to help it (I know it seems odd but hold on). i have had this thing for probably almost 10 years where its as if i get burned out and playing games seems to relax yet spark the mind into being creative. it probably helps as well i dont play a lot of shooters anymore but mostly just modded minecraft. i’ve had an addiction with that game for as long as i can remember.

the other thing i want to keep note of as well is my strange stalking like obsession with deerboi. i check my twiitter every day to see if hes said something new. i continue to think about what i could of done better and ways i can help him. there doesnt seem to be as much issues about the sex stuff…but yet i havent said a word to him in over a month

theres a lot i had on my mind, i need to do these more in the middle of the day without being seen…especially when it comes down to being able to let off steam and stop myself from snapping.

too many problems, too little time…