i can feel that urge, the one i’ve been getting over and over and trying to stop. i fucking hate that this is an urge in the first place…for me to have a want to be railed by a bunch of guys, doing disgusting sexual activities…it all fucking pains me. i hate it, i hate myself, and i really hate what ive become…but i need to fight it. i need to stop this urge and make sure in the process of doing so, i dont destroy myself.

i potentially need to do stricter usage of my phone and such, like running my own MDM server or something so im not looking at NSFW content. i think that is part of it. the other part is because i feel so alone…but something else is grinding that down. something is making me feel worse then usual, causing this spiral out of control.

i need to fight it and do better. i need to push harder. i need to secure a better future at least for myself…if that is, deerboi not joining me…

tonight might be a shitshow…i plan on staying up to push this pioneering dream. a dream of being someone bigger. someone that people can look up to for the betterment of humanity and life on this planet.

i will not go down without a fight…and i certainly will not stop now. the train continues…perhaps late to schedule but it will continue.