Its been some time since I’ve made a new log so adding one now…

Each and every day, at least a couple things about deerboi show up in my mind. Some sexual, some romantic, some just about how I’d like to see a relationship between us. I still prompt the question to myself of “do I still like him?”. And I’d like to say yes I do. Its been a couple years, I daydream here and there about him, I do things because I want to do it for him…there’s lots of signs pointing towards it.

But yet, sometimes it feels as if its for nothing. I know he doesn’t reciprocate the same feelings. Maybe he truly doesn’t care for me, maybe he only wants to be friends, maybe we just need to go on a date. I dunno. I don’t want to force myself onto him, I don’t want to turn it into a relationship he feels like he needs to do, and I especially don’t want to ruin him for the worst.

As the days go by, my feelings almost seem to evolve rather then be discarded. I let my mind wander among the thoughts of him. There are some times I feel that same pain in my chest thinking about the sex parties he wants to get into, but then there are other times that it brings a warm, calming sensation. Things like lying in the field next to him, no words said among each other, us only looking at the sky and admiring each others company.

Its one of those things that I dont want to let go of. In a way, I have. I don’t force it one way or another, but rather I just allow my mind and heart to be free. I still have this glimmer of hope telling me that some day, my dreams will come true, but until then I should focus on bettering myself for them. Something still attaches me to him…not like Kaizen but rather more sincere and promising. More like a relationship rather then an experiment gone wrong.

I’ll continue waiting in my boat, among the ocean of life, waiting for some signal or sign hundreds of miles away. Something tells me…I’ll see that sign. That flare in the sky to broadcast that something new will start. Something beautiful and amazing, unlike I’ve had before. Something that shows true passion and care among each other.

Something to complete our lives…