God its fucking hurting again…

I was in the middle of working on my projects when I had that thought run through my head…

Deerboi…getting used by a bunch of other men…

Fucking hell I make it sound like a nightmare that’s come true and I overthink it so badly that it ends up causing me even more pain and damage.

Not to mention I keep debating myself on going to that damned sex club as if it won’t fucking destroy me mentally. It’s actually got me thinking a million ways I could die in there…from getting shot (a million in 1 chance) to me going in and getting raped because some guy liked me too much and didn’t care what I had to say to me taking in someone and I head home with HIV.

This is one of those states I am falling back in…it gives me such ill feelings and I go into a full shutdown of emotion. I need to start classifying my states and all for better clarification and tracking too.

But all of these thoughts are bringing me more pain. Pain that brings me to right before tears. Its never enough to but it feels like the first moment of heartbreak every time.

I just want to be happy and complete for fucks sake!

And now I’m debating reaching out to deerboi as if he really cares anymore…I need to stop bugging that poor man. I want to provide him with everything, I kept sending him gifts…but fuck this feels like its getting weird.

Now I remember why I stopped staying up…