damn, its been a week since i’ve made a new log…

the relations between deerboi and i have been going well…i truly do hope to see him someday soon and spend my life with him. i want to be the very best I can for him, show him all he could be doing, and push him to do better, go further, all that fun stuff. he seems to be surprised im still into him. something about that seemed to have given me a really good sign and ive set things a bit more straight in my mind.

i seem to still be struggling with the sexual corruption and errors. i find myself slipping from time to time, wanting to go to those sex clubs and all…but recently going on one of the hookup sites i used to use, i saw a dude advertising himself as a human toilet and a turd…in his mouth.

i don’t think i’ve ever been more disgusted in my life seeing something like that…and i’ve seen plenty of deaths and gore on the internet…probably a little too much.

that immediately sparked a flight or fight like chain of events – thinking about if i went to one of those clubs, how many of those dicks were probably in another guys ass, covered in shit, aids, or whatever else. at least if i commit to a partner and someone im close with, i know where our uh…ends and such have been. i dont need to worry about getting a piece of corn in my mouth from another dudes ass (that physically makes me want to vomit just typing that).

and to some extent – yes, it is something to accept with the homo shit. but thats why i think A) it’s far better to commit to a partner and only one partner. someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. but also B) taking care of yourself and doing all that fancy jazz to make sure your ass is clean. otherwise thats just fucking gross.

but outside of that, the thought of having deerboi as mine has connected with me a lot more as of late. it could be the way he talked about how he was a little surprised, but something about each mistake i make gives me this warm feeling and thought. i’ll go to the sites or try to do something I shouldn’t and I think about deerboi. i think about doing better for him and how much better we would both be off if i just don’t be a manwhore.

and now, i seem to be able to cut through these problems like a hot knife and butter.

i truly hope all comes together. ive been wanting to at least try to go on a date with him. i dont want to give up knowing he could of very well been mine and i could of been his. i want to exhaust all options before i fully say no, this isnt going to work.

i truly am in love with him and with love – comes patience. something ive slowly learned through the past couple of years on and off with him. that and how to read him from a distance. it’ll probably be different face to face, but sometimes i can pick up how people are doing or feeling over text…and sometimes im just overthinking.

anyways, its 3 in the morning and i need to get to bed before any malfunctions start up. i appear to be fine at the moment but shouldnt push it.