theres…theres a lot going on. and im not sure how i feel about it.

lets start with the small stuff…well…small in my eyes.

my grandmother on my moms side has passed away. and to be blunt – she deserved it. it wasn’t sudden…it was over the course of some time apparently. i dont have all the facts available in front of me right now but i know that she has passed…that came from a source I know is 100% correct…

see, i feel nothing about it. i had no attachment left to her…and there was nothing that i think i really had. sure, i worked on the farm for her for some time, but when it came to us as family members, there was never a “I love you” or encouragement of what i had wanted to go into…in fact the complete opposite really. at one point, i very vividly recall that i had told her i wanted to do something like dad did. be the super cool guy that you can throw anything technical at and he’d tell you 99% of the time all about it. the jack of all trades concept i grew into. sure, you can argue master of none but – for another time. but i recall her lashing back at me telling me there’s enough people out there for that. there always will be. but yet this part of the memory was a little worse…not sure on the integrity but I think I recall her telling me to do something like my mother had done? which was…be a waitress at a casino.

now dont get me wrong, respect for those who do whatever job they choose. and real job – none of this back alley drug dealer or hooker shit. some people do real well in jobs that others would hate. i think its all about A) how well you do and B) how well your job treats you. dont get me wrong i absolutely love my job and i want to ensure we’re going in the right direction, but i want *more*. i have loyalty to my current job because it gave me opportunities i couldnt get before with what ive got. my boss saw potential in me that no one on linkedin is going to see.

but anyways, back on track, my grandmother usually didnt speak in depth with me. she never cared all that much from what i recall to inquire more about me…and i hate that i say that because it makes me sound selfish but too…as a young kid you dont really open up unless you’re asked about it…at least thats always what i recall. then there was the chocolate incident in which i recall i had joked she stole my candy or whatever and she had once again lashed out that she “paid for that fucking candy” and “she’ll buy me another one while my mother and i can get the fuck out of her house”.

i guess the cherry on top was during the CPS/divorce shit in which i had tried to run away. i recall getting like 90% there before she had asked me to get in her car and explain to her what had happened and she would try and fix it. weeeellllll….got to the farm house and it then became her and my mother ganging up on me for all sorts of other shit.

so, to put it lightly and in short terms – karma had what was coming to her and she can go fuck herself for all i care. theres lots more i could get into but im not going to for now.

and now theres the other thing…it kinda mixes into both but – deerboi and my sexual problems.

as described in my last note, i had broke. i went down to that club and while it was only two guys, that entire walk back i had just hoped someone ended it all for me. i felt gross and still to this day, do not understand why i continue this loop.

yet, i still do. i still find myself on these apps to search for “fun” if you will and it never ends well. i feel as though ive let down deerboi and while we’re thousands of miles apart, the more i do this the more things will go wrong for us. i know for guys and the homo shit it can be different with a relationship and how it functions…but i want to be the best I can for him and be the one he can look up to and rely on, yet…I still choose to do all this for reasons unbeknownst to me.

i know it has to do to some extent with my loneliness, but theres something more specific then that. ive been running through emotions again about kaizen. all the ones i want to recall are never about him specifically – but instead being told that someone loves me, some is there to listen to all my problems, and can still respect me for who i am despite me not being able to do the same for myself…is a blessing i dont know that i deserve.

especially now…ever since that club…something snapped. some sort of protection telling me constantly to stay off. the one that begins to tell me how i will fail and fail spectacularly by being in the hospital, raped and killed, bringing shame and dishonor among my family, bringing disappointment among my close friends…its all gone. its relaxing…and not in a good way. its almost a full autopilot at this point. as if i dont get a say in what i do, its destined. which is fucking ridiculous! i dont understand why i cant keep myself under control.

i thought moving to another city would help but it appears to have merely brought my problems with. im out of ideas and what to do…i dont want to end up like every other gay whore who does poppers and has to stick to hiv controlling drugs because he let half the town rail him or the couple who cant please each other so they leave their holes to anyone who asks…just all of it. it grosses me out and frightens me that yet, i could end up in that same exact boat.

and yet, its as if all my feelings…all the protections…are now no longer existent. that i am left without control of myself for some awful reason. this all really makes me question…do i continue trying to live my life like this and staying gay? or do i force myself back to factory settings simply to try and keep the slope of degeneracy from falling further? could i even be saved if thats the case?

and learning from mistakes here, while i never took estrogen/testosterone…that will not be happening to eliminate all sexual thoughts and feelings. if i need to eliminate those so be it – but ive heard of people having dreams of turning off fears like its a setting in the Windows Control Panel. i should be able to do the same for myself to prevent further damage…