im not sure why ive never thought about this before or never seen it…but theres something worse that i…it hurts to see. it hurts to realize how easy it is to slip down a certain slope…

ive been on a not so good streak as of recent. constantly trying to fill this hole of loneliness and pain. never does me any good but its as if there are no more safety precautions in place anymore. i no longer get nervous meeting up with others in a certain situation, theres nothing screaming in my ear to turn around…its…silence. defaning silence on autopilot.

now honestly, i dont care what happens to myself. as long as i can protect, help, and defend those i love, thats all that matters. the only reason i would fight to not die these days is because of those that rely on me. those that look up to me.

but on these hookup apps, theres something that got me really curious. i saw a couple of guys below my age. 18-23. im not disclosing my actual age for privacy and security reasons but…why are they on here? what brings an 18 year old, even those who have yet to have sex, on an app to look for said thing?

i asked. and the response i got *really* pisses me off. its not of anything against him…but what we push as a soceity. gay or straight. “…I think the main thing is that I feel ready, both my body and mind. From my experience some gay men now are looking for guys with some experience and dating just isn’t for me anyway…”.

this guy is young. above the age of 18 but not above 25. and yet, he thinks that dating isnt for him. that he needs to have experience before seeing someone. its almost as if this whole push to be gay, have these pride events, all of it…is purely to harm the innocent. now i know these pride events are terrible as is. ive loudly expressed to Kaizen and many others how much i highly disagree with it. i dont think we should push sex at all into the public eye. doesnt matter innuendo or not.

but something about this…something tells me that this guy already has given up on dating. he could very well think theres nothing for him or he needs to be a whore to have a partner. and to that, i ask once again…why? why destroy your innocence and what youve had to have sex with someone youre never gonna see again?

i know i have no room to speak, but i speak to bring awareness. to tell myself to do better and yet also show those who have not made my same mistakes…what not to do. the relationship i had with Kaizen may have not been the best and while I can regret having sex with Kaizen all I want, there was a genuine connection for a while. being able to explore each others bodies and know that we can trust each other to the point of being fully naked and exposed in front of one another…is a feeling i deeply miss. its a warm connection, something soothing to know you can confide in someone.

and yet, here as a soceity we want to push having sex with everyone casually. destroy what a relationship and connection is all about. destroy who we are, who weve become as a spechies…all for 2 second satisfaction.

its something that i still dont understand either. its like a vacuum or an addiction…you get sucked in because youre looking for the next thing. I absolutely hate and despise that I do…but I keep craving to go back to that sex club. go back and get railed by other lonely men. have my decency and whatever else is left of me destroyed because it feels amazing in that moment to be nothing more then a whore.

i think ive fully lost what it feels like to be wanted and loved by an S/O. im not super sure for family since its different…but all my emotions just seem to be gone. no longer processing. I still beat myself up over loving Kaizen for that short period. all that he did to me, all the mistakes and things in my life i had destroyed…

something tells me to meet up with this guy. dont go out and have sex…but do something to convince him to keep his innocence. dont let him fall, after all…its why i fight right?

I just dont know if i can trust myself…i dont know who i really am but i can say for certain…that spark in my heart…that rage to fight for better…is growing again.

and i wanna deck the next person who tells me we need to push for these ridiculous rights and parades…this is what you get. how dare you push your problems among others.

fuck these faggots who want to push this. there are very few people i hate with a passion…and this is one of them.