so yesterday i had slept maybe 1-2 hours. I wanted to try and push to get more shit done because i was unsatisfied with my recent work ethic. I did get some stuff done but the rest of that next day i was tired as hell and barely got anything done…so it ended up balancing itself out anyways.

These past couple of weeks have been a virus on my mind and body and i dont think not sleeping helps either…usually in a sleeo deprived state i begin to have a higher then normal sex drive. I went back on that platform searching again. Except this time, im hoping i can actually pull someone away from it all. Stop them from making the same mistakes i did.

Heres the even worse part about it…the kid is 18 now. I asked if he was still a virgin and he had said no…well more that it doesnt count. He had hooked up a year and a half ago…when he was 16…to go meet with a 30 and 40 year old dude. On seperate occasions, i probably could of worded that better. And…i know what he felt. I know what it was like. And it still pisses me off to no end to know that people think this is okay. To embed it in other peoples minds that screwing everyone around town is okay and especially at such a young age.

Sincr ive slept, it seems to have reset a lot of this blight I had on me. I made more…problems…but now that ive awoken again, it brings me disgust. I want to delete my account now but im not sure yet. There are others I want to show the light to. Show them that its okay to wait for true love, you shouldnt be hooking up with other dudes…especially at a lot older age.

Not only that but deerboi has yet to respond. Im trying to hold myself together for the sake of him and helping him but why do I keep failing like this? Why must I choose to go have sex with more random dudes? All of this is beginning to put pressure on me…and not in a boohoo way im not the problem, but more as I know I am seconds away from going off a cliff. I dont want to end up a druggie or homeless or someone that everyone knows around town because theyve had their fair share of my hole. Something happened to me in Vegas and I want answers…I want to fix myself. And most of all, I want to fix others. Those who really do need it.

Im debating if I want to try and flood this platform. Make it unusable. Hinder any chance at those vulnrable from being persuaded into having sex with older men eager to manipulate and deceieve. Im not sure yet how I would go about it…

Something has to change. Sonething in me first if I want to be the one to change others and the world. I have to have the answers in order to explain it to others, right? Which is a question that the other person I had been talking to brought up.

What is so bad about hookup culture and doing it?

Well, from my personal experience, you destroy much of your romatical feelings for your future husband. Or wife, whoever it may be.

You feel incomplete, needing more, and always searching. Every time ive been in a hookup, give it an hour and I want to go back for more. Even the sex clubs. I fucking despise the feeling…but something gets me excited to do it again. Its a drug, or more the rewiring in a way of your brain to always look for the next dude to fuck.

Not only that, but the obvious STD situation. Higher chance of catching it and sure, theres prep and shit for that, but theres also lots of gay dudes ive seen out there trying to infect others. Or they have a fetish for it. Tell me thats normal for someone to do.

And when youve been through a hundred dicks and holes…whats left of you and your dignity? Youre going to be damaged in some way, stopping you from having a meaningful relationship with someone. Its not a question of if, its a question of when.

And finally, maybe you dont want a partner. But how is you having sex with randoms going to affect those around? Your family? Your friends? Are you just always going to be alone, looking for the next dick?

Im so sick and tired of people always trying to argue in favor of this shit. “Oh its a part of gay life, were not getting pregnant its okay, its all just social constructs meant to stop us from being free!”. Yeah, and Jim hopped up on meth down the street said the same thing when they stopped him from fighting a family of 4 in the parking lot because Jim thought they were aliens.

And the same can also be said for any sexual preferance for that manner. Its not just gay, straight, bi, or lesbians that have this issue. Its an everyone thing.

It makes me question too just what Kaizen may be up to. I have no feelings for him, but ive always had that fear for some reason that hes going to end up like this. Hes going to be the one guy sharing his hole around town and i can guarentee you his family will accept, if not encourage it.

I guess Ill analyze my behavior and such for the rest of the day and see what happens. Hopefully theres some positive stuff to come out of it soon, and hopefully itll all end well with me lying next to deerboi in bed someday…