so…I wanted to just get my fantasy done and over with. try it once although I had a feeling I wouldn’t like it. so much distortion from pornography and such, I thought it would be amazing.

i…luckily only had two guys to deal with. I didn’t really like it at all. something in me just…I hated it. I hated what I was doing. but there was no turning back, or so I told myself. I think I may have destroyed whatever was left of my love life.

between deerboi and some of the problems I’m not sure how to resolve and help with to this and for some reason…more memories of Kaizen.

I have been thinking more about the I guess….innocence we had in our relationship. He wasn’t the best lover and he wouldn’t learn from his mistakes, but I remember it being fulfilling and wonderful to make love with him. To feel okay and complete and to destress in a way. I remember him laying on my chest in bed, feeling his body against mine, and the closeness I thought we had…

Maybe it was meant to never happen, or maybe he had been too far gone from the shit he was doing…playing dress up and going out in public or some of the making out he wanted to do when we had others around…I don’t know what exactly and I’m sure it wasn’t just one single thing that caused us to separate.

And it’s not that I really miss him either. He…he wasn’t the smartest person around. Sure, he was going for his electrical engineering degree…but he had no common sense and tend to just repeat what his family told him to. There were a lot of other problems I had but I think I’ve repeated myself enough about that…

This whole ordeal in a way has…enlightened me. I don’t know if it’s being overstressed or what, but it…brings me pain. It’s a pain that I’ve realized, there is no one for me. There will be no one for me. No one I can call my partner, no one to come home to, no one to marry, live, and die with. I’ve lost it all and may have never had that chance in the first place. I may have never meant to love, and with what I’ve continued to do, may never get that chance again.

It’s something rooted deep to the point I keep zoning out about it. I’ve been on the verge of tears. And yet, I know what I have done. I know what I did was wrong. I should take accountability and I don’t deserve anyone for that manner.

And knowing there’s other people out there getting into this situation of hookups and running through partners and fwbs and all…brings me further pain. It brings pain to know that perfectly fine 18, 19, 20, whatever year olds are out there looking for the first person to fuck because it’s cool to lose your virginity or you think you can’t date because you’re socially awkward.

I can probably officially call myself broken, all by my own hand. At least since this…my sex drive has nearly been eliminated. Although, my desire for a loving partner keeps growing. Even today I had been sent some NSFW content on one of my platforms. And it wasn’t the set that I loved in it…it was the kissing and having a partner to confide in.

Call it whatever you want…but this hurts and I do wish I could of done better. I wish I could of made better choices with everything I’ve done.

I’m not sure how I want to move forward now…