It seems I’m gaining a sort of enlightenment as time goes on. My soul and mind are calm, no longer fighting with one another, my thoughts are clear but yet persuaded towards sin and negative thoughts at times. But alas, once things clear, I realize that I must not go on down certain roads. I must not allow myself to be persuaded back into the one night stands and the hookups.

These seem to be my weak point, and I think it may have reversed some of the repair from the fallout with Kaizen. I’ve noticed more thoughts about him have grown as of late. Once again though…not him as a person, simply his physical appearance. My insecurities showing with thoughts of him at gay orgy parties or him happy with someone else and shoving it in my face. I do believe these are beneficial though. They allow me to patch these vulnerabilities, God forbid they do occur.

I don’t plan on running into him and especially with last time I merely thought I saw him, I almost sent gear 2 into the road and a piston into low orbit the way I aggressively shifted….5k RPM instantly isn’t exactly healthy for the block but what do I know. It does make me curious although as to how I would react to seeing him in person, say at the store or at an event. I need to continue with healing, 100%. I don’t need another situation like with her where I think I can win her back with my rizzler poems.

And I quote: “Papa didnt raise no pussy so im gonna say it. I know I got problems, and I know the distance between each other. As much as I know that “second chance” is as far away from me as having an A in Russian was, I still think about you a lot and maybe its just a phase. Either way I still believe and think that you’re the last diamond on this earth. And I really dont have much else to say to any of it, so I guess fight me because I wish to choose violence. Or something.”

Maybe that was a part of moving on from her. Or maybe that was the last drop I needed to relieve myself of the memories and feelings I am never getting back. Now it’s just a matter of applying that same stuff towards Kaizen. Although strangely enough, there’s no way I am communicating with him again. I cannot be vulnerable around him, yet for some reason I still seem somewhat fine with being vulnerable around her.

But I do know that I do despise him. I cannot stand to think about him and I still think of the memories in which he just didn’t really believe in me. From “you shouldn’t be doing that, you should pay a mechanic to do it” – see: the time I changed my oil to “I really dont think you know what you’re talking about because my parents said this and they must be correct” – once again, see: why I don’t trust a lot of shit in the government. He has no self awareness, down to the point in that same situation, he didn’t care for what his mother believed in, yet ate up whatever she told him to.

I guess it’s a good thing this all happened, because it’s only refined not only who I look for in a partner, but just friends in general. Who I know I can trust, who won’t backstab me, and a lot more.

Which somehow does bring me into what I originally started writing this for: changing the world for the better…

It’s a thought I think about a lot. People have told me I think big. Too big. As cliche as it may be, all I am hearing is it’s not impossible. No different then my relationships and such. It’s not a strict “won’t happen” but I won’t fully know if I don’t try (not a bill Cosby joke don’t take it that way you trogladytes). These days, there’s drugs that fill the streets, propaganda from everything major you can imagine (companies, countries, organizations, etc.), social media warping the minds of everyone (including myself, my rizzem isn’t a 100% protector. Or whatever they say these days), and media pushing a narrative and picture of the perfect human that no one could ever be.

It needs to change. It doesn’t need to be a communist or socialist state to do so, but we should be enacting and structuring our society and our world to promote creativity and enlightenment and happiness. You don’t need to work a desk job every day but there’s also no way for everything to function with no one working. Even with AI and robotics, there’s gonna be jobs to fix it or replace the ones that can’t do those jobs yet.

But I believe in promoting a better lifestyle. Regular workouts, promote it but don’t force it. Provide insurance at cheaper rates to those that actually try to improve themselves. I say try as there could be people naturally healthy and never try, yet smoke and eat garbage. But you get the idea.

Promote healthy time management with work. Set laws in place, perhaps through systems like Slack that say “after hours I am available for two hours, but after that don’t rely on me”. If there’s an emergency (i.e. servers on fire) well then consider a nightshift crew.

Promote being social. I can’t say you can really restrict the internet so maybe tax cuts to platforms who can promote creativity and healthier management of those on their platform i.e. not spending 5 hours a day on it? That one is still in the air as far as my thoughts on it.

And that’s just the start. It’s why I wish to change things. I want to see those who can do better then me have a family in a thriving environment. After I have passed or if I choose to have kids, society should continue to grow and prosper. I won’t publish my full plans here (there’s nothing about harming people in my plans don’t think that way) but I do like to think it’s realistic in a way.

And if you’ve read this far, maybe take the time to analyze yourself and see what you could improve on…

But, wrapping up…I do need to continue on working on how to let go. Let go of the memories and feelings that once were. As I’ve seen around, I can think and time travel back in a way to those memories…but no one else is there. It’s things that will never happen again. Human relationships don’t just break in pieces and come back together like nothing happened. Something will still remain missing, something that could very well be critical to keeping that bond.

Or, it could be something that needed to be dropped…I know there’s a lot of issues I had during the relationship with Kaizen that I can proudly say I worked upon and resolved. Mostly sleep schedule and depresso espresso, but there’s more to it then that.