looks like being alone is back on the menu gents!

I think my insecurities and fears are getting to me again. Most of my days have been well, with the occasional short fuse days but I can usually manage those and if anything, it’s a test to enhance my patience even on the worst days…

but once again, kaizen is on my mind. I had thought about this the other night…that while I do hate and despise him for who he is and I wholeheartedly believe he’s brainwashed, I can’t imagine I’m not the same or similar to him. He’s always had a bit of an ego complex where he needs to be right but at the same time…we weren’t gonna happen. We saw things on two different, very incompatible perspectives.

However, I’ve still been talking to deerboi here and there. And sure, this could be argued as a test on both of us…but he said he’s going to a furcon with two of his other friends. And considering what he’s said to me before about wanting to join in on a sex party and such, it has brought me pain and hence why I think it’s an insecurity thing. I think it’s caused me to go back into my little isolation protocol shit. No love interest, no want of an S/O, just being okay with myself and no one around. Peace and tranquility. Knowing that I may never find anyone is fine with me, at least for now.

At the same time, I do argue with myself in that it’s deserved should deerboi do something. 1) he’s an adult, as am I. He can make his own choices on his own. 2) how many times did I go out to these clubs or on these platforms for sex? And I am the one who’s upset over that? 3) he seems to have no issue doing this but he can’t seem to be okay with at least meeting up somewhere in public…

I know I continue to make these excuses for accepting his behavior. I truly do want to help, but he doesn’t seem to express his want to accept it. He’s talked before about how he wishes to change himself for the better one day but then can’t stop doing said thing the next. And I can’t fault him entirely for it either…there’s some stuff I know he has. I don’t know his medical background but I do recall it’s got some issues.

I think I just need to wrap up fixing myself. Cleansing my body of the NSFW content that I continue to try and seek. All that sex and such…all just because I feel alone and want someone to confide in. Because I feel unique in a bad way, as if there’s no one ill ever be able to find. But at the same time, that’s okay. I need to accept that and be able to work with it. I shouldn’t use anyone as an emotional crutch as I’ve unfortunately done before. I’ll leave my channels open, but I think it’s best that I let deerboi come to me, rather then keep reaching out…

In other news though…it seems some professional items are lining up. Hopefully I can bring better opportunities to my close friends soon…