Something I’m noticing with this new…defense of sorts…I’m not sure if I should be concerned really or if I’ve become much more picky.

I think I said this in my last update, but I can’t get…excited. not the feeling, but what happens down there. That or I’ve caused such a stir within me mentally that it’s become some TrAuMa shit. but we don’t play the victim card here, we use everything to our advantage.

But it is concerning nonetheless, I’m curious on it’s long term effects and if this is related to anything in particular. Or maybe I just don’t notice. Especially as waking up in the morning it was normal and would diminish by the time I was dressed and out of bed. But I don’t recall that happening as of late. Either way…

Had some thoughts earlier when I was speaking to someone about business related stuff. They were 500+ miles away from me and needed an item, not a problem I’ll figure it out. They’re cool as hell and I had no problem giving the item I had gotten back since they had needed it. But my first thought when there was a chance I could drive there is “Oh my I could try that sex club I always wanted to go to!”. Then it quickly flipped and became “And get STDs? Remember that one comment about the place questioning the STDs and someone replying ‘don’t worry about the STDs there, you’re not being sex positive’? Not only that, but that’s a VERY bad part of town. You’ll be lucky to only need to make an insurance claim.”

Perhaps this protection roots deeper in me then I realized. I’m actually thinking clearly. But should it EVER fucking occur, and we are talking more chances to be Cosby’d by Bill himself then this – but if I do find a partner I wish to confide and be with forever, will this affect our relationship? Or is my destiny truly to be with rotten people or no one at all? I say that because well my last two exes turned for the worst and my last interest didn’t seem to care about me. I hope the best for them all regardless, but it’s clear I’m the problem. I’m just not sure what I should be fixing…

Also too, I seem to still feel excited. I get that spark of sorts in my chest thinking about going to a sex club, despite having a very clear memory of what happened last time and how it felt like I was seconds away from dying. Overreaction I’m sure, but an emphasis on the disgust, shame, and despair I guess I was feeling.

Don’t know either way. I should stop focusing on it but it’s a question in my mind regardless. It finds its way to come up, it’ll find its way to make me question more. I’m curious, always and about everything. I just hope I don’t fall again.