i felt myself slip earlier today searching for some stuff for another friend, trying to give him server parts so he can grow his knowledge and all.

i let my system make some extra stuff i needed before moving files and reinstalling some software, so i went to go search around, clean the car up a bit, kinda hop from activity to activity. then, as i grew bored of waiting and nothing much to do since i couldnt seem to find the part…even though i didnt seem to look all that much, i caught myself looking back at going to one of those parlors. i found myself searching for somewhere to do bareback or whatever you want to call it. despite going pretty much 5 days with absolutely nothing.

it disgusted me. i seemed to have stompted it out pretty quickly and easily, although i still find myself thinking about it. how i could just go ease up a bit now and relieve this 5 day tension. but at last – that would do me no good. i’d feel even worse not only because ive gone back on a disgusting habit, but that i couldnt hold myself together for 5+ days. and then i got to thinking about deerboi again. and just how miserable i seem to really be. i can feel myself losing who i am, who i was, who i want to be merely because i dont have a counterpart. it feels like too much is on me. it feels like every thought of mine just seems to be sex clubs and wanting to be railed. i hate every fucking second of it.

even earlier today, i got in the shower and i was being weird. i went through and installed some mods to my phone. its almost like a warm-root of sorts, allowing Xposed mods without your phone actually being rooted. installed those along with Grindr and a mod for it so i can spoof my location. something in me told me i should search to see if i can find deerboi on there. or kaizen. why? i dont know, probably because im insecure as all hell and i want to be 1000000% sure before i just cut someone off. its why it took me so long with both her and kaizen…and now deerboi. then i said fuck it ill just try it again. i’ll try grindr and see if maybe within my clearly amazing luck, that i’ll be able to find an S/O worth my time and i can be worth his.

and well, that hasnt fucking worked. sure, one night but im actually in fear now. not for going on dates or anything, but something real retarded. i was talking to this guy on there who had hit me up, he was saying hes down for anything. relationship, hookups, one night stands, whatever. something that had perked my interest is that he liked the protogen shitpost i had in one of my media slots. surprised me that i got someone who even knew what a protogen was, especially that quick.

but after he had been talking about how fulfilled he was sexually having all these one night stands and whatever, i just seemed to have lost it. who the fuck thinks like that? who thinks that being treated like nothing more then a fleshlight or sex toy to someone is “fulfilling”??? is that what im going to find kaizen and deerboi doing? is that why im so afraid of seeing someone again? being close to them and getting so attached so quickly only to find out that they’ve seen so many guys that a truck station bathroom probably has seen less cock and butthole? pardon my retarded phrase there but this ridiculousness with gays and really everyone these days thinking its something to be proud of to have even just over 10 people you’d slept with is astonishing. i know i cant speak on this but i’d never be proud of any of that. i never have been.

i dont think i can do any fucking dating. no sex, no dating, no s/os. thats it. done for. not my time, not my era, whatever the fuck you want to call it. i can’t stand the fucking thought of any of that. i know i have all these horrid fucking thoughts…the same ones that all these other guys talk about as a fantasy themselves. being “treated like meat with strangers” is strangely a turn on, and something i think that’s got to be some failure along the lines of relationships and just being human. something went wrong for me to crave such a fantasy, for others to crave similar.

all of this continues to push me into the wrong area. all the wrong things are telling me that im avoiding what is supposed to happen. what is good. to “explore my sexuality” by having hundreds of men ran through me. that i should just let go of my morals and all because doing that as a society has gotten us so far. i mean for fucks sake we got retards in bdsm gear at these parades thinking that its empowering. when the fuck did we let the mental institutions have their patients roam free?

i’ll stop my banter. i’ve had enough for today. i dont want to go on, i want to sleep and hopefully forever. i’m going to try and hold out but i’m probably going to go back into that stage of sleeping for as long as i can purely so i can just hope that something will be done. i’ll still get work and all done and over with, but this doesn’t bring me any happiness knowing this is the people that i’m supposed to like or whatever.

and it scares me to death just knowing what deerboi might get himself into…