ive been making some progress to personal projects and overall goals, however, its not as quick as i like to see.

i suspect im being burned out more through my main job, given a lot of problems occurring recently and i dont see it going well. between hearing some bullshit retard tell me what should be happening despite me knowing its not going to work to the same retard asking me for help and telling others im not doing it behind his back…yeah its not something that brings me motivation. and not only that, but it now seems he’s going to be permanent to our team. and i dont want to stick around and let that dumbass walk all over me.

so, i’ve had motivation as of recent to push harder to get my own things done. something to bring me extra sources of income and opportunities to ensure financial security (in a way) to my close friends. i dont make moves without knowing for sure on something. im going to do my damnest to try and push and change things for the better in my current job – but tell me that its my fault when im being told “yeah you’re not doing your job right, anyways do this thing that we’re not supposed to be doing and let me shit talk you lmao”.

fingers crossed for the better…but part of that has been the reasoning behind my motivation. and it seems i may have been pushing too hard, trying to “burst” and get it all done asap instead of doing it steadily. that or something else is wrong. i keep finding myself getting distracted through my social media apps or doing basically something that wasnt my original goal. it may be a matter too of changing my workflow. i had an original cycle before being…well…forcefully moved out from parents…that it was like a balance between Minecraft modded and my PHP stuff.

and now, i have a lot more to worry about. from the servers to kubernetes to the projects and everything in between. now i need to go big with my stuff.

i want to bring something better to the world and do better financially and ensure that everything across the board – i dont need to worry about. i dont want to worry about making the wrong move and losing my job or doing something i think will help and getting backlash from it because “im not certified or know what I am doing” or whatever.

i want to be a team leader. i want to lead those who may not know the best. i want to help.

and now i need to find my cycle again…and hopefully not continue my caffeine addiction.

all over the place i know…but the other thing i want to speak on is it seems too that my thing about wanting an S/O could also be causing problems. getting too attached to people or getting too into the chats im in and all seem to be partially related to just…i guess feeling wanted. im not sure what it is and this has happened before, but being at home all the time despite having roommates – i guess its just i want someone to explore with. someone to go on hikes or go out on a date or something of the sorts. its probably too many things at once.

it seems both the whaletooth stuff has died down again and so has the deerboi stuff, but it still concerns me that he hasnt spoken to me. maybe this is how its supposed to be. maybe we wernt meant to be a couple, which is fine…but i dont like the route hes going down. it hurts, it hurts to see someone you fell in love with inches away from making the same mistakes you had. i dont want to see him on some porno video or hearing how he got plowed by 12 guys…

its the kind of shit that makes me want to stay out of dating period…