I’ve got a few different things to speak on tonight…first and quick one being I still have yet to hear from deerboi, not even a hello. I am assuming all of that at this point is dead and done for…it’s been since May 17th…or more since the 11th I guess since I’ve had a response.

I’ll just tell you since I’m out of patience and I’d rather not beat around the bush but I find it odd that when I’ve given you the opportunity to come out here and just try to break open your shell, it’s about how your parents would take it and all. How you don’t want to see some random. Which is fine, I get that. But then you seem to confide in me and tell me things you want to fix. Things you want to be better at. And I want to help you with that, hopefully one day being your partner.

But this…seems odd to me. It doesn’t sit well and considering that it seems you want to hold a convo only when you’re horny kinda tells me something. I don’t want to assume. I hate to think bad about you in any way because I know you struggle with a lot. But hey, I’m just another random stranger you know.

I’d still like to be 100% into you. I’d still love to marry you someday. And I’d appreciate if you don’t do any sex parties if you do go. I’m not your partner and you have all the reason to not respect me and what I say. But I don’t say it solely because of my own insecurities. I say it because it’s going to make you worse.

If you truly want nothing to do with me, no help from me, nothing, then please let me know outright. Don’t worry about my feelings. I’ve told you time and time again that I love the fuck out of you and I’d do anything to help you, but I don’t want to be used. And I’ll take it as me not listening if you didn’t want anything.

But right now I’d like to think I’m overreacting, considering a lot at the moment. Point being give me a straight answer please.

And don’t let yourself think that I hate you or that I’m trying to be mean or anything. There’s shit I do that I don’t realize or I suck at asking questions so I try to be as direct as possible. If you want to know my intentions with you, it’s to make you mine and take care of you and let you flourish. You’ve stated so many things to me you think are so bad or that will make me hate you, yet it just tells me you need guidance and love. I just want to know something before I start assuming or doing my retarded ghosting as a defense mechanism again

And id think I would of gotten something by now but I guess not. My mind continues to think the worst. That he’s going down that same route I fear. After all, my luck would have me be in that situation right? Someone I love and would do anything for…getting railed by a new dude every hour. It still hurts to think about, but it doesn’t matter what I think. Never does and never will.

On another note though, something crossed my mind before bed. A dream I had, I believe while I had been trying to rebuild the database systems for this site. It was very abstract and I’m sure just my mind being retarded, but it took place in a carrier ship in the sea if I recall, and my grandmother from my mom’s side having snail eyes. Retarded, I know, but something to note I guess. A few months later I believe is when she had came down with cancer and soon enough…her passing. Maybe snails are the galaxies way of telling me that person is gonna die soon…heh, autism at its finest.

About her though, I don’t have feelings for her. I don’t care about her, I wasn’t close, and if anything I resent her for the disgusting creature she chose to be. We never talked, I never opened up to her, and towards the end of my CHINS/CPS case, she defended her daughter invading my privacy because of her hate for my father. I have no reason to care about her. No reason not to full send and I guess…shit on her? I’m not sure how to put that.

But yet, every time I speak ill of her, something is telling me to stop talking. Stop thinking that way. Maybe it’s because of how I have been taught. Respect the deceased, respect and treat others how you wish to be treated, and don’t be a pussy given that they cannot defend themselves. But is any of that deserved when (at least from what I hear) she had not given one single fuck over her husband showing signs of depression and wishing to end his own life?

It could be a variety of things. I’m not sure what will be occuring in the next few months as her passing is still new to my understanding, but I have not seen anything pointing towards a funeral. I’m also not close to anyone on that side of the family so it could of occured already. I don’t know.

I think there’s a lot about that residing in the back of my head. Unprocessable items in the buffer, answers to questions, thoughts I have that I just can’t seem to explain or understand right now. Part of this could be putting stress on me, but I don’t think that’s the case given it’s not a thought for the most part during the day. That and I’ve got other critical matters to take care of.

There’s things in the buffer that will hopefully make things better for both myself and all around me. Opportunities, better futures, learning experiences…but it just feels like another day to me too. Making waves in securing my dreams, but yet all that I can think about is how unimpressive it is. Something everyone does. I’m not curing cancer, I can’t hold onto a partner, I’ve barely been productive today…

I dunno.

I was just about to say I don’t like anyone praising me but well…no one has. Actually, why was that a thought? Why was something that didn’t happen the first thing to come to mind? Am I trying to play the victim card? Am I trying to get attention and just lying to myself? What the hell just happened?

Actually yeah I think I’m being an attention seeker again come to think of it…I keep posting in that server. Wanting someone to talk to because one guy seems cute and cool to talk to. Because it’s like I share emotions with a good handful of people. But I don’t want to seem like I’m seeking validation and attention, no. I have to make it complex!

Fucking hell I forgot how pathetic I can be…

Anyways, I guess off to bed I go. Fingers crossed I don’t make any wrong moves. I do need to stick to that rule though…the rule that I think is best to stay to so as to continue moving forward, bringing opportunities to others.

That rule being: forget about love. Forget about lust. Sex brings nothing and there are no partners fit for me. It’s going to waste my time and their time.

Just simply…suppress love. Just as I suppressed emotion for so many years. Maybe I let go too much, I need to wind myself back in…