So to start off with – my dumbass accidently deleted a volume with the database for this site and services on it. I’m not sure how I missed a db server running on it but got it running luckily without corruption.

Second – while I had been restoring those files last night, something royally pissed me off. Which…was insane. I had been laying in bed half-asleep with my laptop about to doze off waiting for the recovery process to complete when I had this thought about Kaizen slip my mind.

I don’t fucking understand this. I don’t understand why I get so close with these people and these problems occur. Fucking hell.

Anyways, I thought about the time we had been fucking in his room regretfully after our last breakup. We both seemed to have a problem letting go of each other at the time. I drove an hour out to see him in his shared apartment at his college. I’ll get into the full story later but I want to note this down before I forget.

One of those times, I had been well…doing him. I don’t want to share details because I don’t think that pertains to this situation. But right then and there, halfway through replaying that memory, everything switched. It was someone else doing him. The same place. The same situation. Kaizen enjoying it. This person, whatever or whoever it was, degrading him while he had been doing him. I’m not sure where this came from but…I immediately jolted up like something was about to stab me and nearly ripped off a part of the bed frame. It sounds weird but I like to lay sprawled out and sometimes the little wood bars, I’ll put my hands in to keep them up or pressure on them. Just…feels right. But that thought I had just grabbed onto the nearest thing and about yanked it out…

It’s been a while since I felt that kind of anger. I’m not sure where it came from or why these feelings continue to exist. I thought I had let go of everything about Kaizen…but instead it sounds like I’m lying to myself to just get through another day…another day realizing I’m falling apart minute by minute. Unable to actually hold a meaningful relationship with anyone.

It all feels so…petty. I’m so upset over someone I thought I was close to, wasting my time. I let myself think that they were different. That they weren’t manipulating me or causing me problems. that someday, id have to protect them and id do so with my life. someday, id be able to put that ring on their finger and call them my lover forever.

But, again it’s one of those dreams that’s going to remain nothing more then that. I can’t trust myself to be someone else’s partner, I can’t trust who I am, and even flipping it around I don’t know that I can trust others to come close to me. To be close and see truly how fucked up I’ve become, all the wrongs I’ve committed.

I’m going to try and focus more on cutting out the sexual shit again. It seems my porn addiction is back, so I’m gonna need to use the old protocols I had and use the painful memories to suppress any interest I may have in anyone. I just hope it doesn’t result in more kinks or fetishes again, like it did last time.

I just need to let go of love and get back to work. Back to doing things for others, back to doing projects to try and garner some extra wealth to hopefully help others. Lead others down a route I may not be able to go myself.

I just hope I can get something in…and hold out long enough not to snap at my current org…