I think I’m finally going into autopilot. Back where I am actually useful. Instead of an emotional mess always asking why does this happen, why am I so broken, what is wrong with me…it’s simply just all suppressed. I can work flawlessly, easy, and I don’t need to feel stressed.

Even today’s meeting I had was a joke. I got some stuff done relatively easy. Went through it in 10 minutes and a little while later had a meeting with retard. We were supposed to go through scripts and be trained on what to say to customers. Now here’s the interesting part – I know for the most part what to say. It’s not hard. We are not out here doing rocket science, it’s a followup call. But lo and behold, dipshit doesn’t go through it. He made a doc in 10 minutes that went through all that we already know. Best part? He’s fucking being degrading to two other guys on our sales team who actually try to do their jobs.

I’ve lost all motivation to be here. If this is who we choose to keep as leadership, I don’t want to associate with them. The rest of our team does excellent and I have no problems. But this dude? There’s no fucking way I want to continue to work with him willingly.

So at this point, all my job will consist of is doing what is needed of me and laying low. I can’t go above and beyond to do what I believe is right, I can’t make these suggestions to sales without him sitting there being like “Ackshually do this because <insert bullshit>”. It’s sad, it really is. I wanted to treat this job as an org I owned. Take pride. Get shit done. And now any motivation of that has been lost. I just need to make moves before I GTFO. Stabilize myself with income elsewhere that hopefully doesn’t consist of me being a prostitute…I want nothing to do with that but that sexual side of me has too many problems. I can’t let it eat away at my normal life…

I’m going to begin distancing myself of anything that I may make mistakes on as well. Anything like the new group chats I was in that felt…welcoming. We could shit on each other and still laugh in good spirits about it. But I can’t let myself get too close to these people. I can’t let another deerboi situation happen. I can’t have myself get close to someone I think I love and have a crush on only to chase them on and off.

I don’t want to be an attention whore, I don’t want to sit here and “put down my walls” because I feel remotely safe. In the few chances that I have done that in the past, it’s all petty shit. It makes me look like I should be put in a mental ward. Boohoo, I had a good start to life and I fucked it up eventually. Oh no, so sad that I’m struggling with a job that pays me 52k a year.

Even this current situation has me doing double takes. Is this retard truly the problem or am I finding something to bitch about? The same concept can be applied to all of my previous situations.

Deerboi? I knew what would happen. He told me what his thoughts were. And I still pushed.

Kaizen? I let myself think we were right while he pulled me around like a lap dog. I should of said no the first time and left it at that.

The problem with my mother and I? I should of let it happen, she was all talk anyways. Her fat ass never would of done anything about it had I told her to go fuck herself.

The situation with my ex-stepbrother (is that the right term?) where he continued to push me around and even at one point bend me over the couch and hold me down and all that? I should of kept saying something. I should of went to my father or something.

All of my goddamn issues and even who I am is so fucking petty and bullshit. I mean, how awful of a person must I be in order to not like my little brother for the first few years of his life because I said no to wanting a brother? Like seriously.

I’ve taken so many things for granted and every time I talk to people about me and who I am, it’s always just me manipulating them. It’s me trying to tell them how better I am. Or how they need to pay attention to me. Or so many other fucking things.

Shit, even my sexual addictions. How am I to explain just “getting up and leaving to a sex club”? See, the funny thing is that I used to only have an attraction to my partner and my partner only. Then, after that breakup, going to Kaizen, and then whatever there…it’s been a problem since. From the parlors to just wanting to know what it’s like to be in those clubs. And now, it’s like a fucking craving. And who’s to blame? Me. I can’t seem to get a hold of myself.

Let’s not stop there, no. Because if I’m going to say I’m a horrible person, I’m going to prove it just as I prove everything else. You’ve got the problem of I seem to have a small temper. If it doesn’t go my way or if I’m bothered by the slightest thing as of recent, I’m seconds away from losing my shit. Over people who are close to me.

Or how about I can never make up who I’m attracted to? Some days, I want to have a husband. Some guy I love to death and would do anything for. Then other days, it’s I want to be normal and have a wife. Maybe kids. Don’t know. Am I getting either? Lmao, absolutely not. And it just…happens on a whim.

Oh and let’s not forget too how I can’t ever make up my mind and stick to something. Like how I just wanna dip and leave all these servers I’m in or whatever. Because I don’t feel okay and I don’t want to attract attention. But guess what attracts attention…leaving! Oh I don’t wanna do this or this because it’s attention seeking…but then I go do it anyways.

I don’t ever listen to the word “no” either it seems. How long did I continuously keep telling deerboi I wanted to be his and I want to stay around to help him and someday be his? And how many times did he tell me “I’m not attracted to you”?

Even now it’s a fucking problem to let go from that. I think about those same goddamn fears from time to time. What if I saw him in one of those clubs? What if I saw an NSFW video of him being used by a bunch of dudes? Id lose my fucking shit. Hell, even when he said he had been skimming through Grindr just to see dick pics, that fucking broke me a bit.

But wait – there’s more! The fact I even continue to search for a partner despite all these issues I speak against…really says something about my character. I speak all about hookup culture and how it’s so bad and how dating apps these days are a joke. Yet, I do it myself. I have been on a handful of them. Or I have those binges, a little while at a time. The last one being two weeks where I just kept searching for people to fuck. Because I need to fill that part of my heart. That part that I should of had a partner. Someone to love. Someone to care for. Sure, that hole won’t ever be filled, but it feels like it just for a bit until the shame sets in and I want to end it all.

I can’t even count the amount of people I’ve had sex with. That’s the sad part of it all. I think about it a lot. How many times I paid to screw the masseuse at the parlors, how many times I found random guys on these apps to fuck…even how many of my nudes are probably running around the internet.

And yet, I continue to have the cravings of needing to do it all again. My next drug hit. All for no reward.

I probably should just lock things down. Get to work. Leave any channel that’s currently open to me being myself…close it all up. I can’t be trusted to be close to anyone and I can’t be trusted to tell my story correctly. Maybe I just delete my notes and everything all together.

I’m so fucking done with this disgusting side of me but there’s so many fucking times its like I lose control…