I think I’m going to make this my last note for a while. I don’t feel good, I keep seeing problems occur, I’m stressed out, I continue to accommodate and dig into my addictions just to feel a little happier in the day, and I continue to not just day dream…but dream while actually sleeping about people who will never care for me.

I’m so tired of myself and all these problems that are causing so much pain. I’m back to not being able to go a day without thinking about Kaizen, deerboi, whaleTooth, or any of the other crushes or whatever I’ve had. I want to just be happy. I wouldnt walk back or rewind anything I had done…because that wouldn’t make me who I am today. I don’t want to throw myself away just to feel some semblance of love, but I also don’t want to continue to be stuck in this obsidian ball…no one to let in and nothing to let out.

I continue to scroll and go through my social medias anytime I am not 100% focused or if I’m a little tired. Anytime I do, something has to remind me of sex. Something has to remind me of Kaizen. Something has to remind me of something I wish to forget. And here I am, with thoughts of my worst insecurities.

I’m in fear of Kaizen going down the road I went. Or worse. Seeing random men. Having sex with a bunch of them.

Im in fear of deerboi doing the same and throwing away any potential he had to be successful. Or even a drug addict.

I’m in fear of letting someone know who I am again just to leave me in the dust or think I’m a bad person. I know I am. I really do and I want to be better but it feels like I’m stuck.

I’m in fear each and every second for making one wrong move that might set me permanently on a route to being nothing more then a hobo. Losing it all, everything I love, everything I had a goal for…

I’m not sure if this is me slamming energy drinks again or if I’m genuinely this stressed but even earlier today, I felt a decent chest pain. My watch had been reading the maximum level of stress from me. Still not sure how it determines that and id like to hope it’s wrong and just things my body does…but I don’t know.

Even these days…I sit in the shower and think a lot. What would happen if my body physically had enough of it and I ended up with a heart attack or in a coma? I think I still have Kaizen as my backup contact…not to mention my roommates would know and everything goes from there. Would Kaizen know the wrongful ways he had went about us, the same way I know I had done wrong? Or would he be stuck up? Would he even care at all? Why is this a thought that remains in my head, months and years after our breakup?

And what about all this shit with whaleTooth? What are these dreams supposed to mean? Why is she in my thoughts so much all of a sudden? Am I supposed to be doing something? What if I reach out and I make a mess of myself all over again? Am I sure it’s not just because I’m alone or want to have sex?

How do I know that I like someone and it’s simply not just sex?

Why can’t I be normal? Why do I have to be so stuck on liking guys? Is it that I’m waiting for the right miss and I just unfortunately have this disgusting problem?

It’s too much to think about…and I think it’s best I step away from everything for a while and clear my head. Let my body at least take a break. I’m not sure how much more I can take given that pain is in my chest again, despite laying in bed as I write this.

Or maybe I’m just making that up in my head…like everything else…

Let this be my final sign off for some time. At least I guess until the next major event of my life. In no way is this meant or should be taken as a suicide note. I do not intend on taking my life and I want to make that clear.