It’s been some time…I thought I was ready to move on from a lot, including my thoughts here. I thought I was to mature, but I can’t handle the stress I’m being put under anymore…

Work has been nothing but a shit show. Something in which I thought I could believe in and I always went above and beyond for…is now on a fast track to failure. So, it’s only fair I gtfo before I can’t pay my bills any longer.

And now too, before being blown up today (happy america day), I’ve found that Kaizen has fallen…ill. He seems empty, only filled with the opinions and thoughts of others. No thinking on his own. I was informed that he was…interviewing I guess…? Animals in the park. On a regular basis. Sure, a couple things that’s fine, trying to be cute or whatever. But on a regular basis? That’s just…off. And the bigger red flag is he was committed to not using social media, which I respected him for. Now, it seems he’s seeking validation or friends through screens. These little things he does are regularly uploaded to his social account.

It worries me and pains me to think he could be having a full meltdown. He’s going through something he doesn’t understand. He’s lost himself…and something wants me to go back to him. To be some sort of savior. Not even just that…I want to watch over him. I want to make sure he’s okay….I think it’s like spider girl all over again. There’s the initial breakup, the grievances and pains/anger, and now there’s the realization that I’m not upset with them…I’m upset with what they’ve become. How they have changed so far from who they were that they forgot their ways and morals.

That they’re nothing but a shell of their former selves…and not in a good way.

It’s only a matter of time before I see deerboi again on the same route…we will see them if I can take it…or if I’ll run myself into the ground until I end up hospitalized…because that seems to be my current route. I can’t keep getting close to folks. I can’t let them confide and have me help them…or it leads to this. To the everlasting problems, the feelings that I once had remain to protect them…it’s all so fucking painful and the only thing I can do is swallow it and move forward…

Because I have no one. As if this is the result of my actions and some sort of curse. Maybe it is…I’m not too sure.