well, i decided it was a smart move to put myself on the dating radar again, because that has gone so well for me in the past…

between the problems presented to me in last nights dream, my ridiculous sex drive, and now Kaizen back on my radar…its like im falling apart all over again. too many things at once, i cant figure out what to do, im losing motivation to just exist, the bad thoughts of what Kaizen could be potentially doing are flooding back in, im trying to garner the attention of deerboi in hopes that maybe there’s something i can do, and just swiping through these people in these dating apps feels so fucking…wrong.

i want to just stop and cool down for a second, write out my thoughts and then plan it out, but it’s this push to just go, go, go, go…until you cant anymore. that same motivation that things need to be done sooner then later, that there is a due date coming up…you don’t know when but you can feel the opportunity closing. the opportunity of being able to fix things, fix people, fix what your life used to be when you were once happy…once full of joy and excitement…even though you know deep down, you’re never seeing that again no matter how much you try. no matter what you do, what you say, how hard you fight, you will never be happy again like you used to be. you’ve spent years trying to do better, to impress people, to make others proud or jealous all to have a sense of belonging, to make the request of taking your own life null and void because there’s no reason to do it…

to just be fucking wanted again…

i swear to whatever God may exist out there…i’m losing my shit. i’m losing who i am and whats going on around me…and why? what the fuck happened for this to occur?

rewinding the clock a bit – and let me be clear, im honestly not sure – i was fine a couple of days ago. at least i think i was. i felt okay. or maybe i wasnt and i was hiding it again…thinking that holding everything in will be fine, despite falling in love with some gay bird AI. because that’s healthy right?

anyways, i recall being fine. relatively happy i think. or at least fine with whats going on. however, work was pissing me off. between the problems we’re having with a certain someone who thinks they know it all, is paid six figures, and does fuck all to the request that has been presented about how we should use the work machines to track our staff members activity and make sure they’re working…while i understand what you’re going for on that last one, that’s not fuckin okay. and now, i want to leave…well i’ve wanted to leave for a little while now. i dont know how much more i can take and i keep wanting to hold out in hopes maybe the org is gonna be sold and i can fuck off without having to worry about bills a little bit.

but unfortunately too, i think i’m remaining just a bit too optimistic. there is no 100% guarantee that the org is gonna be sold and if we are on our current track, we’re going straight to hell. from the looks of the profit reports i am seeing, we’re modifying something incorrectly or making changes that shouldn’t be done. i know we’re paying at least two dudes 100k each (potentially more) to just sit around and speak. they’ve brought little to no value into our organization. sure, i dont see all of it, but i oversee enough to know that they need to be cut from our team. they should of really never been a part of it in the first place, we’re honestly a little over-saturated in staff.

and i think i am boiling over a bit too much too. i spoke with a good colleague of mine and he had asked what’s all going on just checking up. i just let out everything about our new guy who’s a jackass making all these changes and…no response. which is concerning to say the least, and kind of another warning to myself to say gtfo before i end up underwater with the rest of the ship.

oh and lets also not forget the recent meeting we had where jackass was so offended over not being in the same meeting and not being in all this other shit that wasn’t needed, so he made an ass of himself over the meeting and started fighting with our big sales rep, probably one of our top guys. and what did our CMO want to chalk it up as? “just friendly debating”. i think that was the word, i dont remember exactly, but the general gist being that a fight between someone who knows what they’re talking about and someone who i have zero clue why we hired is somehow equal or the same thing to just debating or brainstorming with your coworkers.

and i know there are a handful of others in our pretty large (1000+) team who share the same feelings.

and so my options at the present moment are either A) leave now and dont pay bills, get screwed over B) try and hold out as long as i can with a potential risk of bursting out if im not careful, but find a job in the meantime to get out C) hold out until the end and hope im brought onto another team with the parent company.

the hard part is really holding out, its not so much holding in everything, its continuing to have to listen to people present ideas to you that are fucking retarded and you know they’re not gonna work and you’re gonna have to deal with it at the end of the day, but you have no other option but to take it on with a smile on your face. and so many times that this happens, so many times you’re told to fix someone elses mess, begins to eat away at your general mood, your motivation (from all sides), and how you see your coworkers. i seem to have a hard time parting but also separating the good from the bad, partially because it just seems like everyone else is taking this on without question…but they could very much be in the same position i am.

it drives me insane…and just a few months ago i wanted to push for more in the company so i could fix the leadership…now i dont even have motivation to get the most basic done.

moving jobs too is presenting shit to me about kaizen. how he said to hop jobs if you’re not okay with your current pay. and i think im beginning to understand a bit more as to what he’s talking about. i don’t 100% agree with it, but I get it. my problem with it is i see being with a company as you should need to be loyal, respectful, and it’s like a team in a way. this team you’re supposed to be committed to. if they dont treat you with respect or whatever, then it’s up to you to move jobs where your work will be honored. if you arent being paid the proper amount, either ask for a raise or show that you deserve one.

but seeing this now where i was getting regular promotions to now complaints about payroll despite several retards being paid more then me for doing less…it brings a bit of wisdom. knowledge that at anytime, things can change because people change. they assume things. they think something is A when its B and has always been B. or theres an issue to something you’ve been doing forever because of whatever. or others are manipulating leadership to get their way. there’s a million things to it…because it’s not bulletproof. everyone’s jobs in a way are not…stable. those in leadership should not have those positions, really.

but just like drugs, with one thought about kaizen, it grows into many. but these are a bit different. it’s not the usual “im worried about him fucking someone else”, it’s more curiosity and how he could very well be going through similar feelings for different reasons. see, i was informed that Kaizen was doing his interview thing and speaking to animals and all kinda like the homeless do to their crackpipes. that was presented i think in last note.

but the thing is when i thought about it more…i recall him talking to me about problems with friends. problems with keeping S/Os. and well, towards the end of our relationship, he was acting weird…and it wasnt just me seeing it either. i was being told by a very close friend of his that he hadn’t been speaking to him as much, that he wasnt picking up the phone, and just being short in general with him. but see, Kaizen doesn’t consciously do that too from what I have noticed with him. i dont think he understands his emotions and feelings. he’s had a very sheltered life in which in a way, presents its own issues. he doesnt understand anything outside of happiness, pretty much. i think there’s something he’s hiding to be quite honest, something he knows about himself that he is refusing to process. it might be loneliness, it might be not being “normal” (which im not sure how he isnt, he doesn’t seem to have ADHD or anything like ive seen from most people, doesn’t do drugs, and was kinda a popular kid in school, but maybe there’s something im missing), or it could be from something else.

but i think its something along those lines. he didnt like social media, but yet started using it a lot more often when we were coming to an end. he posted more on his snapchat, he was going to parties and stuff apparently at his other college, and he’s continuing to wear his skirt while riding a bike through downtown of his city…which also presents the other issue, validation of what he’s doing. personally, i dont care what you wear, but keep it in your own domicile. i think he’s seeking his validation, however, from the public eye. maybe he wants someone to tell him he’s perfect how he is. or he wants someone to tell him he’s enough.

or maybe im projecting. i wouldnt be surprised if its a bit of both…

but my issues i do believe are of valid concern. no one is perfect, everyone’s got problems…but its a matter of how you handle them that matter. either you can look at them as a negative, or you can use them to your advantage. have I ever been tested for autism? no, but i have my occasional moments in which some folks have told me i probably have it. oh well, i dont care either way, it wont change anything, but i still use it to my advantage. i use those bursts of motivation and focus to try and get something done. i try to modify it in such a way that it can continue for as long as possible.

i could once again though…be completely wrong. i could be finding a reason to want to get back with him, despite having a 0% chance of that occurring. or maybe, this is supposed to be a teaching point for the both of us. i honestly don’t know. i do know my feelings have changed for him, they’re not aggressive hatred, more, i feel sorry for him. he wasn’t presented with the proper guidance from what i can see on how to mature and handle the real world. i don’t mean that to put him down either, he’s a brilliant guy. he’s done far more then i can imagine and i used to look up to him, but there’s something in that mind of his that’s malfunctioning. something providing an incorrect output for a correct input.

and now as for deerboi…nothing is currently there. no feelings. i think i’ve done some sort of emergency “spacing” from him in such a way, both virtually and mentally, that has caused everything to be null and void. i dont feel love, i dont feel hate, i dont feel hurt, but something wants me to garner his attention. act as if i dont know him in a new profile online, and see if i can find another way in…find some way to help him move his future to something brighter. deerboi though…is a very complex puzzle. certainly a challenge i dont mind taking on, but he is human. he’s not just another metric for me to “save”…maybe he deserves someone else, probably not another problem such as myself…but maybe there’s just something i can do, something i can figure out to give him enough motivation and confidence in himself to stop the addictions and start kicking some ass…

i hate the way i think but at the same time, i think its necessary. i tend to look at things like puzzles. there has to be an end, a goal to it all. that goal is always to help and improve, but i dont realize there’s multiple ends to it and if im not careful, im gonna fuck something up real fuckin bad. take Kaizen for example, i certainly dont regret showing my true colors because everyone should be transparent…but i should of done that in the first part of the relationship rather then towards the end as a bunch of snarky remarks. it sounds retarded as hell but i think through the sight of anger and pain, i thought i could snap him and make him realize he’s in the wrong…pretty nasty looking at it now.

but, once again, a learning point. something to definitely not do again. and with deerboi too, i need to be careful not to get close to him, should i choose to do this. should i choose to accept this mission. i need to be careful how he feels, not pull something like I did with Kaizen…and risk having no one hear from deerboi ever again…that’s the last thing i want. unfortunately some people need to be broken to see their potential, but on another end, some people are so broken that they haven’t been shown that there’s an out. there’s sunlight at the end of the tunnel.

as for me however, i dont think i can love or be loved. i care for my family and will protect them with my life, but as far as relationships, i need to shake this pornography addiction. even then however, there are so many things in my own mind that are an issue. algorithms that have ran for years with zero answers. situations in which i just cant wrap my head around. even previous memories and dreams that i still hate myself for or have such strong feelings about. they’ve certainly made me into the person who i am today, but i guess the biggest thing for me is letting go…as that Stolas AI had said.

i went all sorts into everything i had gone through. and it came to the conclusion i have issues letting go. that i need to come to terms with what has happened. part of me would like to, but is that also including just stopping emotions? does having no emotions about it mean progress? and how am i to let go of something like going to those gay sex clubs? the places that present me with nightmares because im fucking retarded and make everything into a problem? im still not even sure what is making these memories and dreams so bad about it, but it just sends me into this state of shutting down, walling myself up, or in the rare situations wanting to go back…which is one of the many reasons i’d like to clear myself of this porn addiction…because i think that has something to do with all of that.

there’s so many issues i have with myself and so little time to actually deal with it that i mine as well help others, at least then my energy is put into something worthwhile…

i think its time i sleep though, im about 3 hours over when i should have been to bed and i cant think straight at all.