I guess while I wait for my OS to recompile itself…I mine as well make some updates…

For Kaizen, I seem to have lost all interest, at least for now. What’s done is done…

As for deerboi…that’s another story. I’m still not sure why. He’s done little to nothing for me, yet I wanted to do and show I could be an amazing boyfriend for him. Call me a simp all you want but I tried to get him games here and there for him, made sure he had the resources to hopefully go into his desired career, and other things…and yet here I am wondering where I went wrong and how I could of done better for him. Where I could of gotten in and told him he’s worth so much more. He doesn’t need to be a whore. That he should join me and we can try to be better together…but nothing would ever come of it it appears…

The same things with Kaizen keep coming to mind. Where I want to be a whore with Deerboi just to make him love me. To have him accept me. Knowing full well it’s going to take a lot more then just that.

The other thing as well is that I tried to help wherever I could and make it work because I wanted to prove Kaizen wrong. Because I wanted to show Kaizen that it’s better to build a relationship together when you two are a little broken to perfect the bond, rather than the two of you come out perfect when you date…I think at this point all my motivation comes from spite. Spite out of sticking it to Kaizen just to prove him wrong…all those times he told me that he was better because he thought this was or saw this happen so it needs to happen this way too or whatever…he’s a fucking joke.

Maybe with the loss of all emotions about Kaizen, everything else will retract and I can complete restoring myself to normal…although not sure how close I can get to that…I keep wanting to fulfill the sex club desires again, now with a want of having an S/O of mine with me…maybe I’m just too broken to love, too broken to think right. Not sure.

But on the bright side, the cluster for the bigger stuff was rebuilt successfully and is 100% operational again. At least I can do something right…