Wanted to note this since I find it very…off.

Yesterday, I was having some issues with my pain. Surprisingly not mental this time, but physical. It’s most likely from sitting at my desk for so long, but it seems the midcenter area of my back is getting bad enough I find it hard to sit still.

Late last night, I went to bed probably about 1am or so. Slept through the night without issues but had this odd dream like I was looking at a particle accelerator or something. This accelerator was off, I started hearing this voice about how something will happen and I need to be ready. I need to have the energy and motivation. And the accelerator started up.

Before I knew it, it was getting quicker and quicker, whirring from odd sounds I am not sure what from. Memories and thoughts flashed before my eyes, the memories with Kaizen…kissing and hugging him, making love…to Deerboi, my thoughts of taking him to a sushi dinner and treating him right…to the fantasies of watching each other get fucked. Then it cut to my fantasy as of recent of going to those sex clubs. How I felt excited somehow…I bothered by strange men that could be riddled with STDs…then it hit. I was worried. I was concerned, wondering where the fuck I was. It cut back to the particle accelerator, where I only then heard the words “It’s time” before seeing a flash and waking up.

It’s something out of a movie, something ridiculous I know…but is it something to read into? There’s nothing real about “seeing into the future” in my opinion, i.e. the palm stuff, but I do believe that humans are a little more predictable then we think. I like to think we run calculations behind the scenes in which we can tell what may happen next. I’ve had one too many dreams of Deja Vu, but the event happens the next day, not before the dream.

Additionally too, for lack of a better term here I’m gonna put it into nerd form…my sex drivers are dead. Cooked. Disabled. Uninstalled. No want to jerk off, no want to see porn, no want to find a hookup…and even no want for a sex club, at least at the moment. I went here and there on that one platform, looking at a guy who looked a bit femboyish, him advertising tops to come over and fuck him. And something in me…pained to see that. Which never happens.

I’m not sure what happened last night or in that dream for this to occur. It could just be my mind doing weird things, it could be maybe I watched some scifi clip that I was remembering, I don’t know.

I still have no clue as to if I should be dating. If I should be trying to rescue Deerboi. If there’s anything at all I should be going for. I want to help him so badly, but yet I also want to indulge into so many…dark(?) fantasies. Being used, being abused, all sorts of weird fuckin kinks.

Or maybe it’s another indicator I’m too far gone. That there are too many issues that reside within me to be able to find a reasonable partner. Hell, I just told a close friend the other day I’m probably double digits in terms of sex partners…and it’s nothing I’m proud about. So much curiosity and lust has gotten the better of me that I’ve honestly ruined who I was. But at least now it’s something to learn from…I just don’t think it’s smart to move on and forgive myself for it.

Something to note. Maybe I’m going insane. Or maybe I am this special Chosen One. I’ll have to start learning airbending then…heh.