so the past week or so was decently good…thinking maybe I can find a partner who fits me right, humor, maybe career, stuff like that…but I’m not so sure that that’s going to happen…

first, I continue to think here and there about Deerboi, as much as I shouldn’t. as much as I continue to try and block everything about him out…but I thought I fit so well with him. based as hell, he shares similar views, and definitely kinky…but he didn’t seem to want anything to do with me. always focused on himself or his hobbies. and…the ever growing fear of him and a furfest orgy…

second, my filters and er…I guess requirements? are so high for today’s standards. I don’t even care at this point about partner count because I know I have no room to speak…but someone who’s at least built like a twink, based as fuck, probably furry, and hopefully comp sci, and is gay? like 0.0000001% chance. and that’s not even including if they share an interest in me. there’s probably three whole people on this planet and I’ve fucked up my relations with all of them.

third, the amount of gay dudes I do see that are into the hookups until finding a long term partner is…astonishing. like imagine being ran through and thinking you can just stop when you find someone. what’s gonna happen if they can’t satisfy you? what if you want to go back on it? the whole hookup thing stems a lot from a lack of love or confidence from what I can tell and in a way is like a drug. you can rarely stop it cold turkey…there’s usually remnants of it in you.

fourth, I’m not so sure I’m capable of love anymore. I don’t get that excited feeling I used to get. I don’t feel any sort of closeness. I don’t feel that emotion of being okay to confide in someone. I keep having these thoughts I have to tell myself I’m okay bc if I go find a partner, my first instinct is to protect myself from hurting anyone and being in pain again…what if I do find someone I’m in love with only for them to cheat on me? only for a divorce to occur and I lose it all?

it’s one of the biggest reasons I stay away from people like Deerboi as a partner…despite how well he seemed to fit my style. God forbid I come home to find him being screwed on the couch by a random that might have HIV. ignoring emotions aside I mine as well sign my will then and there. I had that fear so much with Kaizen…these days it seems so fucking difficult to find someone like that…fuck look at me! I’ve been with how many guys on hookups or sex clubs or the parlors? and I think I’m still worthy of fucking love?!

I’m tempted to cut those who I had slight interest off. I don’t feel emotions. I don’t want to waste their time. and I’m sure they’re not as retarded as me especially with my humor considering my friend group, we all call each other retarded nigger monkeys or street shitter pajeets…most people don’t like that but I could care less. call me a faggot, tell me to kill myself, say I’m a dog fucker furry (I don’t fuck animals, death to zoophiles), it doesn’t bother me one bit.

I need to learn to bottle these emotions of love and lust again…I can’t find myself in another sex club and I need to prioritize other…better…matters.

Fuck me am I a dumpster fire of a damned mess…