well I wanted to try something tonight…

I took a shower about 9pm as I was mostly busy with other things today and was waiting on my Linux rig to move files around (switching distros, I need to partition my home directory and my actual system root differently). During and after this shower, my sex drive was abnormally high and I wanted to seek er…someone to fuck on one of those platforms. Just something to uh, empty my seed.

And so I looked around, seeking another dude to screw. Just like all by my bad habits before. And I kept thinking to myself “please stop just find a partner this isn’t going to end ell.”. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t. Part of me fought against seeking another hookup while another part of me wanted to know the feel of a guys ass on my dick again.

Eventually nothing came of it, I got tired and I kept having guys not wanting to do things or whatever. Which was part of the outcome I wanted, bc it was getting to be a point that I thought I was gonna have to commit to sucking off some 50 year old dude.

Which also brings me to my other point, that the other app I was using to find dates needs to be deleted. Removed. My account purged. It’s clear there’s no actual results there and I don’t think I’m finding a partner on there. Between that and the other platform, seeing guys around my age taking random dick in the ass by people double their age…for some reason pains me. As if I was their partner watching that. It’s disgusting. I don’t know why I keep getting roped into this or side tracked or whatever into liking it.

Like, there are some days I really want a cute bf to take care of and all that shares similar values and all. But then there’s those rare moments…those times where I fantasize about all the stuff from Deerboi or the sex clubs or whatever…where it would be so fun getting fucked by all those hot guys and getting dicked down and all like a slut…just for one night.

But j can’t let myself do that. I can’t let myself become that disgusting whore.

I wish j could save Deerboi so badly. I wanted to be his, I was ready to commit to anything and everything, I was ready to buy plane tickets and make my first move hogging him and telling him he’s gonna be okay…and now I’ll probably never see him again considering I had to cut him off for my own sake. I kept helping and helping and helping and I felt like shit more and more. I felt like I kept pushing myself into him, knowing full well he didn’t want me…he just wanted my nudes. He wanted to use me as nothing more then a sex toy. A quick hookup. Maybe that was my punishment for being a fucking disgusting faggotm…having a crush on someone who could care less what happens to me.

Yet….he seemed so close in line with who I was. The IT stuff, the retro interests, the furry shit, the endless kinks we both had, and yet…it was like it was just smoke and mirrors. Something to get me interested in him so it would hurt more.

I’ll admit, I don’t drink…but for some reason the first thing I wanted to do after that shower ordeal was drunken the last of that rumchata cockonut stuff. Add some dp to it and it’s fucking good, but I don’t know if I did it right? Idk. I put it in a pretty big plastic cup and just tried to drink as much of it as I could until it hurt. I actually kinda wanna throw up. And I like watching autocorrect keep correcting me, haha funny.

Anyways, I don’t feel much of anything. Although I can tell there’s some issues here and there, and a strange feeling of being…light weight? Like being light headed ina. Gooks way. Not sure how to describe

That or I’m probably overreacting like I usually do. It was a big gulp session for all that, but I also hate alcohol. But I also hear rumchata has decent effects per volume or some shit? I don’t know. Might of helped playing burnout paradise though, I kicked ass. Except that one take down on big surf island. Fuck the buggy fuckers, I can do six if they hold still and people get the fuck out of the way.

Maybe I will vomit and end up choking and dying. One less thing Deerboi has to worry about. And one less thought I have to think on cus I won’t be thinking ha. Don’t know. I feel weird tho. I probably should do taken the dct with it. Can’t sleep without higyrdramine stuff, makes my mind slow down so I don’t constantly tell at myself about all these fucking thoughts in my head going brr. Why do I sound more girlish in my head,m

But yeah no the dct stuff makes me feel sleepy and I noticed helps so that I stop on thinking.nhelps a lot considering I used to have nightmares about the same things I think about on a regular basis. Kaizen happy with someone. Kaizen fucking someone else. Kaizen in a sex club. Deerboi in said club. Deerboi being a part of some porno. Deerboi being a drug addict because I wasn’t there for him. Deerboi no longer being with us because I was too egotistical and didn’t respond to a message of his.

Dino. Maybe lots of overthinking. Maybe I’m retarded. Or maybe I need to be checked into institution for insane people like my pops told me that one time. It was that or go be gay at my grandparents. I probably should of chose the other one. Maybe I wouldn’t be gay and be. A better offspring.

Goodnight.